THE MOTHERF*CKER OF ALL AWARD SHOWS

Oscar is almost ready. He's also a little nervous.

The big show, the one that even David Letterman couldn't ruin, is a go for Sunday. The Academy Awards -- or as it is occasionally known, The Billy Crystal Show -- are finally here. And because it's 2005, or something, producer Gil Cates has decided that the show is in need of some changes.

This won't be like shows of the past. While Cates won't let on about the surprises he has planned, there is one significant change that is well known. It will be only the second show in 16 years that hasn't been hosted by a Billy, a Whoopi or a Steve (the Dave fiasco in 1995 was the other one). Billy and Whoopi have too many syllables, and Steve was busy playing French detective. So it was decided that another funny guy with a monosyllabic first name should fill in.

The Academy rolled the dice, and the cubes coughed up Chris, as in Rock. Yes, that Chris Rock. He of the, um, liberally sprinkled colourful metaphors.

It's also an interesting choice for at least one other reason. Rock wrote, produced, directed and acted in a stinkeroo of a film called Head of State in 2003, which could have "won" at least twelve Golden Raspberry awards a year ago, but then Gigli got in the way.

That should have mean't instant hosting disqualification. Ah, well. Lose some, win some, I guess.

So which Chris Rock will show up on Sunday? The Chris Rock that made mother an obscene prefix? Or the Chris Rock that did a guest turn on Elmopalooza. No, seriously. Mud jokes, you can look it up.

The Federal Communications Commission will certainly be watching the show. They'll tell you that they're only interested in the fashions -- you know, to see if any "slips" are showing. But they'll also have an ear or two bent in Rock's direction to see what slips of the tongue, if any, make an appearance.

It's highly unlikely that anyone, Rock included, would pick an event as big as the Oscars to do something outrageously offensive. I mean, this ain't the Super Bowl we're talking about.

On the other hand...

Well, let's not be surprised if the seven-second delay goes into meltdown due to overuse.

Stay tuned...