The Rant King

FOOT, MEET BRAIN -- BRAIN, THIS IS FOOT

2011-10-31T20:17:00.002-04:00

Halloween is scary.

Sure, there are the usual collection of ghosts, goblins, witches, Harry Potters, Stormtroopers, Screams and whatever the hell those weres.

But the real scare of Halloween is behind the wheel of a car. It's the dumbass with the lead foot who's oblivious to the fact that there are little kids all over the place dashing across streets just waiting to become paste on the asphalt.

Should the kids be more careful? Damn straight they should.

But they're kids, whose sense of vulnerability hasn't yet developed.

The speed freak asswipe behind the wheel, on the other hand, should know better.

You want to be a dangerous driver -- fine. Just do it away from the general population, and for goodness sake, avoid residential streets every October 31st.

Do everyone a favour -- take your $5000 dollar rims and your overstrained subwoofer and go find a nice telephone pole in an industrial are to wrap yourself around.

Stay tuned...

BRAS, PANTIES, GARTERS AND BRAIN CELLS

2011-10-29T12:29:00.003-04:00

I'm suddenly reminded of an old Sesame Street bit -- one of these things is not like the others...

Ahem.

The Lingerie Football League might be the dumbest thing ever created. In an era of pre-fab autotuned "music," YouTube idiots (oh look -- another skateboard FAIL), sayings like "FAIL" and all things Kardashian, that's saying a lot.

But it's certainly not because of the girls.

While I think the ladies are underpaid (as in, not paid at all) and exploited by the league (lingerie as a uniform -- seriously?), I can't fault them for trying to raise their profiles. It's a dog eat dog world, after all.

It's just the concept.

I'm all for women's professional sports. I would like nothing more than to see leagues like the Women's National Basketball Association and Women's Professional Soccer drawing huge crowds. These gals have serious game.

That said, I would like the Lingerie Football League to die a miserable death.

In its place I would love to see a league where the women play a brand of football that is about the game and the players. There's nothing wrong with sex appeal (raise your hands, ladies, if you watch the National Football League for the derrieres), but it shouldn't be any sort of focus.

And I know that women's leagues are challenged because of attendance issues. It's a reality that sucks.

But I would rather see no women's football at all than to see these poor gals bashing each other silly in the name of sex while some fat cat dude rolls in the dough at their expense.

The whole thing is just a sad waste of one's brain cells.

Stay tuned...

COMINGS AND GOINGS

2011-10-23T11:17:00.004-04:00

Yeah, yeah... The guy disappears for over a year, says he's coming back and then disappears for a coupla more months.

Such is life.

The truth of it all is I work nights. When I came back to this thing I was in the middle of a summertime day shift that I was hoping would be permanent. Unfortunately, 'twas not the case. I should have called it 'death' or 'taxes.'

Still, there's life in this thing yet. There's still much wrong with the world, and bitching about it here keeps me from chewing off the ears of those that don't want to listen to me let rip (see Rantking comma Mrs.).

But today I shan't complain, cuz the King of Kings is a goner. I don't usually celebrate over bloodied corpses but I'm going to make an exception for the Gha-Daffy one.

The man, like many a dick tater before him, hoarded his country's assests at the expense of the well-being of his own people. So when they dragged his cowardly ass (out of a drainage pipe, of all things) on Thursday and injected hot lead into his misaligned brain cells, I was quite happy.

Happy for the people of Libya who have suffered so.

Happy for the relatives of Pan Am 103.

Happy for the human race, in general.

So on that note, let me say that I'm not going anywhere, other than my other pop culture related thing that's currently under construction (more later). But I'm sure glad Ghadafi is going, and where he's going he better bring himself some A/C -- it gets mighty warm down there.

Stay tuned...

I HOPE SHE'S NOT DRIVING HOME

2011-08-27T11:44:00.004-04:00

I've seen lots of wacky stuff while doing my weekly grocery shop -- some of it even legal.

This week's head scratcher involved a couple of old folks having a spat in one of the aisles, cart parked smack dab in the middle so everyone nearby had little choice but to become spectators.

What were they arguing about?

It turns out they had a difference of opinion over what kind of Oreo cookie they were going to buy. This went on for about half a minute before the old lady caved, telling her Joe to buy "whatever the hell you want."

I wanted to interrupt them to let them know that debating Oreo cookies is something that falls squarely under the "life's too short" column, especially when the sand in the hourglass is rounding down to its last crystals.

But what really made this little story interesting was when they finally picked a cookie, the old gal took the cart from her man and walked away on him.

Uh, she was wearing dark glasses.

And carrying a cane.

Stay tuned...

MORE DOLLARS MAKES LESS SENSE

2011-08-05T16:38:00.004-04:00

I like to shop. I mean, who doesn't?

Living fully submerged in North American culture leaves one open to all kinds of influences. Some are good, some are bad and some are both.

The spending of one's hard earned currency falls squarely in the middle of door number three.

Shopping is good because it would impress the late George Carlin. We all need more stuff. And when we're done buying stuff, we buy more stuff to house our stuff. Sometimes we buy new houses because we have too much stuff.

Shopping is bad because when we no longer have any money to buy more stuff we sign up for credit cards so that we can buy more stuff with other people's money.

It's an interesting phenomenon if for no other reason that the interest is a killer.

But all of that is just the way things work and, other than abstaining from spending, there is no real way to change the system. It is what it is, the only thing changing is the interest rate.

But the real crux of this piece is the current math pervading the marketing habits of stores. They love to put stuff on sale and then they try to hook us by telling us that the more we spend, the more we save.

Except that it doesn't really work out that way in the end. When you drop a hammer, it won't go up. As hard as I try I haven't been able to divide by zero. And last I checked, emptying my bank account has yet to leave me with more money.

What the stores should be saying is "the more you spend, the more we've got." And the less you have.

Unfortunately there's just no interest in honesty.

Stay tuned...

WHO KNEW I WAS SO SPECIAL?

2011-07-31T14:19:00.007-04:00

I love it when companies try to insult my intelligence. I mean, I hate it, but I love that I can hate it because it gives me something to write about.

For example...

Yesterday, while doing my semi-regular check of the daily post I received the most exciting news from Bell Canada: "A new choice in TV has arrived," the outside of the envelope said. What could it possibly be? A better remote control? 4D TV? Jersey Shore cancelled in an effort to double the I.Q. of TV viewers?

I so excited I nearly soiled my shorts.

But there was more: "Exclusively for you," it read.

Just me and nobody else? All of a sudden my bladder was trying to get in on the action. I felt so honoured that a big company like Bell Canada, which is ranked somewhere between poison ivy and E. coli on the Official Canadian List of Popularity, would take the time to send an offer to little old me AND only little old me.

Stop me right now if my sarcasm flood is causing your lungs to fill up.

I mean, c'mon. Exclusively for me? Does Bell think that I'm so stupid that I would actually think I was the only person getting this wonderful offer... whatever the hell it is?

You know, I think they might actually think that.

'Cause, well, they're Bell. A company that, much like their competitor Rogers Communications, puts the cuss is customer service. Because their astounding lack of customer service (see "every phone call I have ever made to them") and questionable intentions (see "attempt to ram usage based billing for internet down the throats of Canadian consumers") has, in the past, caused me to cuss uncontrollably.

Kind of like this: F*ck off, Bell. Take your wonderful TV choice and stick it up yer shaft.

Stay tuned...

OH... THERE IT IS

2011-07-29T12:33:00.003-04:00

Man, I've been looking for this thing for almost two years... thought I'd lost it. In any case, I seem to have found my mojo and am once again ready to offer my highly acidic views on some of the people, places and things that sometimes have me wondering if this planet is, in fact, rotating in the correct direction.

Stay tuned...

No, seriously...

KILOWATT THE F*CK?

2009-10-05T10:05:00.004-04:00

The 21st century's a grand time, ain't it?

The internet's become as common as the radio, cell phones are the size of credit cards and computers are the size of calculators. Yep, we've come a long way from the days when hi-fi and wi-fi were nothing but sci-fi.

But some things are still being done the hard way.

Which brings me forth to the question of the moment: why the hell are hydro companies still sending human beings around with little grey boxes to take hydro meter readings?

We can send e-mail and talk over computers but we can't program hydro meters to send their readings electronically?

And don't tell me they're not getting wads of cash every month. Sure, everybody's going green, switching to little twisty bulbs and turning off every which light they can. But there's also two to three computers in every house and who doesn't own a hydro-hogging plasma or lcd TV nowadays? Then there's the need to cool down and -- uh, what? Oh...

(EDITOR'S NOTE: Increased use of air conditioners in the summer of 2009 has been difficult to prove, as has any evidence that the summer of 2009 actually occurred, for that matter.)

Okay, well, never mind.

Stay tuned...

HEY, MAN -- WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

2009-09-26T19:46:00.004-04:00

Geez, how does this thing work again? Lessee... type a bunch of stuff... press the POST button... yeah, I think I got it.

Ahem!

Today's lesson -- only three months or so after the last one -- is directed solely at the wonderful individual in my neighbourhood with the big dog and the bad back.

This person is anonymous, and yet I know so much about them. How do I know this person has a big dog and a bad back? The evidence is on the bottom of my shoe.

I feel like I'm back in grade three -- anybody up for some Shoe and Tell?

Yes, my footwear is soiled with the stenchified remains of some Rover's twelve hour old meal. Whomever is responsible has left dog shit up and down the street. It's on a bunch of people's lawns (including mine) and in the middle of one sidewalk. I suppose it could be a gang of dancing strays (West Shite Story anyone?), but I'm guessing it's the young fella up the road who walks two rather large dogs on a regular basis.

You see, before he started prowling the 'hood, I had clean shoes.

I know, I know... it's totally circumstantial. But it all adds up -- an addition I'd like to subtract.

So pal, if you're reading this (and really, what are the odds) let me tell you somethin' -- start picking up after your two best friends or I'm breaking out the paper bags, the BBQ lighter and my right thumb.

You may not be good at picking it up, but I'll bet you're pretty good at putting it out.

Stay tuned...

IT'S STILL NICER THAN BROCCOLI

2009-06-19T09:17:00.008-04:00

There is nothing worse than corn. Well, except for bloggers who post only once or twice a month.

Seriously, though, corn is evil.

Sure, it's supposed to be this nice, healthy vegetable -- sweet to the taste when properly prepared.

But your stomach won't digest it.

Put your Orville's in the microwave too long and you'll be left with a permastench that would almost make halitosis a welcome intervention.

And it's this so-called saviour to the environment that when converted makes a fuel that nobody can afford to buy.

And that's just the recent stuff.

What about all those Children of the Corn movies? Did we ask for them? Again and again and again?

And what about M. Night Shyamalan's Signs? Where else are you gonna find malevolent aliens except in someone's corn field?

Yeah, I know there was corn in that nicey-nice Field of Dreams, too. But some of the ballplayers that came out of that corn were New York Yankees. Hello, Evil Empire?

Sure, I know the movie industry is to blame for those, but aren't movie studios owned by conglomerates?

And aren't all conglomerates evil?

See where I'm going with this?

You don't?

Yeah, me neither. But I'm sticking to peas and carrots all the same.

Stay tuned...

TRY ME

2009-06-01T15:16:00.006-04:00

Where's the remote?

Actually, this would make a pretty good rant, especially coming from a family of five. Nobody ever puts the remote control back in the same spot so if you want to change a channel (or adjust the volume... or look at the TV listing... or beat someone silly with it) you have to do it the hard way, which is get off your butt (or move your ass... or get off your can... or make a fist and swing, but not after a manicure).

In some houses remote controls are never found in the same spot twice. I've heard of cat people finding it in the litter box. But then that's what happens when you make your cat watch Full House reruns.

Under the couch is another popular spot, as is beneath the cushions. Beneath the cushions is cool because you can always scrape up enough for a coffee by the time you're done. But under the couch is dangerous because you just never know what's living under there.

I mean, you ever see Poltergeist? Yeah, I know, that clown was under a bed. Well, nowadays everybody has a sofabed, so it counts.

Almost makes me wish for the old days of console TV's and external, wired converter boxes. But that was back in the seventies. And let's face it -- I want to find the seventies much less than I want to find the remote.

Polyester makes me itch.

Stay tuned...

L IS FOR LAWNMOWER... AND LADDER

2009-05-13T13:05:00.003-04:00

So there's this guy who lives on my street. I've never met him, only seen him from afar. This is about his lawn. Simply put, I wish I had it.

His grass is smokin' (if you'll pardon the D.E.A. not-so approved pun). It's plainly obvious that he takes great care of it. He must mow it almost daily, because I don't think I've ever seen it grow. This is a guy who obviously is so passionate about his lawn he'd do Hank Hill proud. He has to have an endless supply of energy, unless he's paying a team of kids to keep things so neat and tidy.

And so comes the rub of the piece: his lawn is unbelievably nice (those recently mentioned dandelions wouldn't dare plant a root beneath it), and yet -- AND YET, I SAY -- he still has his Christmas lights hanging above the garage.

Not one set of lights, mind you, but two -- COUNT 'EM, TWO -- sets of lights. One is the "it was trendy ten years ago" icicle variety, and the other is the traditional energy draining bulb variety.

Maybe if he turned them on once in awhile -- and angled them into the garage -- he'd find his ladder.

If he really wants to impress me, the lawn is a good first step. A step upwards would be a good second.

Stay tuned...

THE LITTLE YELLOW MENACE

2009-05-10T09:10:00.003-04:00

It's an invasion.

No, the martians haven't landed, although some of this country's politicians are really out there.

What I'm talking about is the yearly crop of dandelions, or dandylions as some people like to spell it.

Let me tell you: there ain't a damn thing dandy about 'em.

And what's worse, they seem to be more prevalent this year than ever before. The wife disagrees with me, saying it's always been like this. But the deal breaker for me is the fact that the community baseball diamonds, which are hallowed ground (okay, not hallowed, but they are generally weed free), are starting to succumb to this most virulent of weeds.

It will be a sad day, but pretty soon there's going to be more dandelions than American Idol winners with failed careers.

A tragedy of unspeakable volumes to be sure.

Sigh.

Stay tuned...

THE BIG YELLOW MENACE

2009-04-30T08:29:00.006-04:00

They drive with reckless abandon, whipping up and down the street with hardly a care. Sometimes you hear them coming, when they drive the big boats with the bigger engines. But more often than not, they're driving smaller vehicles, which are quieter. Sometimes you don't realize they're a threat until they're almost running you over. So sad. Crossing the street should not be a hazard, especially on a smaller residential street, but that doesn't seem to be the case where I live. At least twice a day it's dangerous to cross the street because one never knows how lead-footed these lunatics are. It almost makes you want to stay indoors, but sometimes you just have to go out and do your duty.

I wrote that in January 0f 2006 on this very page. The subject of the rant was (believe it or not) school bus drivers. Not all, mind you. Most are the safe (read: slow), conscientious creatures they should be while shepherding the younger generation to and from the fortress of knowledge. But some are more dangerous behind the wheel than the neighbourhood teens in their souped-up Hondas.

Sadly, nothing has changed in the last three years.

One driver in a particular, a woman of about 50 driving a microbus, rockets down my street at an unbelievable pace on a daily basis. She has no kids on board, which leads me to think she's on the way home.

The law says we regular car folk have to stop our vehicles for a school bus that has stopped with lights flashing and stop sign extended in order to protect its former passengers as they cross the street. And so it should.

But I say an amendment is necessary to protect the majority of humanity, driver or pedestrian, that don't want to become pizza ingredients. The buses with the lead-footed drivers should be forced to have the lights flashing and the sign extended constantly, in order to warn the foolhardy and the slow of foot that they better get the hell out of the way or else get pepperonied.

That's drastic, you say? Yeah, um, okay. But let's face it, there's nothing flattering about being flattened.

Stay tuned...

I DON'T THINK I LIKE THEM APPLES

2009-04-29T11:14:00.005-04:00

I do the grocery shopping for 5 -- 5 and a half if you count the weiner dog. As such every Saturday morning I trek out to my local grocery barn and discover, on an almost weekly basis, why God shouldn't claim homo sapiens among his greater successes.

Lately there's been pressure for grocery stores to stop using plastic bags. The Loblaw company got on the bandwagon real early, charging a 5 cent environmental fee for each bag in its Toronto stores.

I'm in the suburbs so I was exempt from this dip into people's pockets -- until last weekend.

Now, I don't really mind paying 5 cents a bag. I'm cheap, but not to the point of making a damn fool of myself. Even if I use 20 bags it's still only a buck. What bothered me was two things, one small and one very spur of the moment.

The small is the fact that I didn't see it coming. I have a Visa card through Loblaws' President's Choice brand, so one would think they could have stuck a mailer in with my bill letting me know they were going green and, because of this, they were going to make me feel blue. Still, it's small potatoes, since the extra pennies were going on the card anyway. It's not like I was digging under the couch cushions to come up with the extra nickels.

The spur of the moment irk is in two parts. Not so long ago Loblaws switched their cash desks over to the dreaded "bag your own" system. I really hate this, because as my groceries get squished in a pile, nobody is bagging them. This is not a particularly good thing for those in a hurry. So as I go to end of the conveyor to bag my own, I hold up the person behind me who is waiting for an empty conveyor so they can feel their own frustration. So at this point I'm pretty gnarled up, and so is the cashier because people are getting antsy.

Now for the good part -- I get to the end and there's no bags because I have to cough up the dinero for them. The cashier says, "how many bags do you need?"

I gaze at my squished pile of groceries that's almost as tall as it is wide and respond, "how the hell am I supposed to know?"

'Tis a fair question. Turns out the answer is a puzzled look and an uncomfortable shrug.

I think I might have to revisit having my groceries delivered -- as long as they don't ask how many boxes I need.

Stay tuned...

ONE WTF

2009-03-28T14:32:00.005-04:00

I've been told to wake up, so here I am. Figured I might as well say something while the coffee's brewing.

Remember that 9/11 thing? Yeah, I know, stupid question. Who could possibly forget it, especially friends and family of all those lost souls.

Well, out of that horror was born a big hole in the ground. And because this is downtown Manhattan we're talkin' about, new buildings have to go up. This I have no problem with, especially since the hallowed space above the footprints of both World Trade Center towers will remain free and clear of suits and ties, instead to be filled to capacity with tributes to the fallen.

The centre piece of this development is to be the Freedom Tower, deliberately built to a height of 1776 feet to smite the bastards that brought the previous buildings down and, seemingly, the British that were defeated a couple of hundred years or so ago. I'm not even going to go all flukey on the last part, I just thought it was worth noting for its irrelevancy.

Anyway, now the folks who are building this monument to the middle finger have decided that the moniker Freedom Tower has to go, and that the building will now be known by its official address, which is One World Trade Center. For those keeping score, one of the late WTC towers also had this address, but even that's not the point of this rambling.

What I am going to throw stones at is the timing of this becoming common knowledge. Because at the same time that Freedom has been removed from the tower the first leasings have been signed by -- wait for it -- the Chinese.

I'm not going to bash the Chinese people because, frankly, I love their food -- artificial and North Americanized though it may be. I'm not even going to pick on the Chinese government who, in their myopic wisdom, have stricken the word Freedom from their version of Webster's.

I am going to blow some raspberries at the fools who decided on naming it the Freedom Tower in the first place, only to remove the name at the same time as they announce lease signings to a company from a country that doesn't know the meaning of the word "freedom."

Yeah, I know I said I wasn't going to slam the Chinese guvs, but what can I say, I lied.

It's a free country, after all.

Stay tuned...

NO COMMENT

2009-02-28T14:42:00.000-05:00

Who knew it would come to this?

My last post has lingered at the top of this blog for so long that a foul odor has started to drift out of my computer's casing. In that span of time, folks with no brains have decided that leaving spam comments is a good use of their time.

Believe me, life is too short to waste on my humble little page of bitterly displayed common sense.

To that end, I would like to say something to you intellectually challenged wastes of epidermis: I don't want to be in your blog directory, I don't want your forum poster program and I don't want to see you naked.

What I do want you to do is f*ck right off unless you actually have an interest in what I'm saying. If I wanted spam I'd go to the market and buy some luncheon meat.

If you're not reading my words and/or leaving a constructive comment, don't stop here -- just keep on going. As for challenging your grey matter, don't you dummies have better things to do with your time than spam a page that gets ten hits a day when things are going good?

Sheesh.

I must go now. It appears I have some comment moderation thingy to set up.

Stay tuned...

CALL ME CRAZY...

2009-02-02T09:17:00.005-05:00

Yes, folks -- the verdicts are in.

Three of the world's most notorious weather predictin' rats have declared that this Hell of a winter will stay frozen over for another six weeks.

For those with loaded shotguns, the vermin's names are Pennsylvania's Punxsutawney Phil, Ontario's Wiarton Willie and Nova Scotia's Shubenacadie Sam. Three goundhogs -- three shadows.

To which I cough "bullshit" thrice.

I mean, there's no way these miniature cavern dwellers could possibly see their shadows when I know for a fact that everybody's snowbanks are blocking out the sun. At least mine is. I looked up the snowbank on my front lawn this morning and saw a tiny little figure planting a flag on the top.

Sheesh.

Perhaps I shouldn't be so hard on the little buggers, though. Last winter was so bad it had me looking forward to this winter. Little did I know it would be worse.

I've shoveled so much snow this winter I could have buried Oprah at her heaviest.

My back is requesting collective bargaining, based primarily on better working conditions. It's walking out if it can't be allowed to shovel driveways in Orlando, instead.

And my shovel? It's down to just a friggin' shaft. I sold it to the guy who climbed the snowbank so he had a pole for the flag.

Sigh.

All I want is for this snow to melt. It has to -- my sanity is laying somewhere underneath it.

Stay tuned...

WILL WONDERS NEVER CEASE

2009-01-22T11:15:00.004-05:00

Two days into the new administration running things in the You Ess of Eh (we Canadians loaned 'em the last part) and I'm still agog at the wonder of it all. For instance:

* I wonder if Aretha Franklin's hat was approved by the Secret Service. It sure looked like it could stop a bullet.

* Chief Justice John Roberts first words to The Man were "are you ready to take the oath, Senator?" I wonder why Barack didn't answer, "are you sure you're ready to give it?"

* I wonder how old that benediction Reverend was?

* I wonder why Obama is being put on such a high perch. Any higher and he'd be playing cards with Jesus Christ. Which has me wondering if the Secret Service was told to keep an eye out for suspicious individuals wearing togas and carrying two pieces of wood, a box of nails and a hammer.

* I wonder why so many people can't spell the simplest words. One viewer commenting to CNN wrote, "loves the benediction...Rev. looks about 100...bless his sole...amen." Bless his SOLE? What's she saying? Bless his foot? Bless his fish? Neither is eternal, although, in both cases, the smell certainly can be.

* After listening to poet Elizabeth Alexander, I wonder why poetry is still popular. I mean, poetry is nothing but creative writing for people who suffer from a punctuation deficiency.

* If the new Prez lives up to the hype and truly succeeds (sorry, Mr. Limbaugh), I wonder which poor schmuck the Repubs will send out to get slaughtered in 2012.

* I wonder why they call it a mall? All I see is grass. I figure there ought to be a Gap next to the trees on the left and a food court next to the bushes on the right.

* Speaking of the Bushes (well, one of them, at least), I wonder if Georgie Boy will finally have the time to learn how to properly unpronounce nucular.

* Now that a kinder, gentler man is in charge, I wonder if the Guantanamo Gang will start being fed ice cream and cake instead of their genitals.

* That Itzhak Perlman plays a mean violin, but I wonder why CNN had to specify that he was a musician. Like somebody might get confused and think he's getting that noise out of a ping pong paddle or something?

* I wonder why truth, justice and the American way didn't end up in Obama's speech. By the way he spoke, and from people's responses, I was expecting to see an S on his chest.

* I wonder if now is as good a time as any to end this.

Stay tuned...

SUDDENLY, APPLE DOESN'T SEEM SO BAD

2009-01-15T10:09:00.002-05:00

Gwyneth Paltrow, consider yourself off the hook.

Remember the fuss a few years ago when the former almost Mrs. Pitt named her first child after a piece of fruit? Remember how a great many people uttered a collective WTF?

I mean, who would name their kid Apple? I thought it was ridiculous. I reconsidered briefly when I pondered the possibility that Paltrow's hubby, Coldplay singer Chris Martin, might have chosen the name to honour the Beatles record label. But then I thought, "nah, it's still a daft name for a kid."

Of course, no goofy Hollyweird offspring naming can compete with the wackjob parents from Easton, Pennsylvania who named their kid -- wait for it -- Adolph Hitler Campbell.

Because Mussolini was too hard to spell, perhaps?

The little tyke who's a fascist in name only came to prominence recently when a grocery store refused the parents' request to put the kid's name on a cake. And lest one think that the parents just have a warped sense of humour, their 2 year-old daughter is named JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell. Sounds like your typical American family, don't it -- just out for a drive to the grocery store with a short stop at the local Klan meeting on the way home.

I'm even more befuddled by the parents response to the grocery store's refusal to make things extreme right.

Says dad Heath, "I think people need to take their heads out of the cloud they've been in and start focusing on the future and not on the past." I'll make you a deal bud. We'll take our heads out of the clouds if you take yours out of your ass.

And adds mom Deborah, "(Hitler) did this stuff, yeah, but that was in the past." Um, okay.

Apparently they think all is forgiven, and that they have been wronged, first by the grocery store, and second by the general public for overreacting. The icing on this cake is the dad demanding an apology.

Personally, I think we should oblige him. The store should own up to its insensitivity and write the man a letter of mea culpa and we overreactors should do the same-- on the condition that Campbell write about six million letters apologizing for the actions of his son's namesake.

Sounds extremely right to me.

Stay tuned...

THE 12 HATES OF CHRISTMAS

2008-12-26T15:19:00.003-05:00

Yes, there's lots to like about Christmas, but there's also a lot to hate about Christmas. Call me The Grinch if you must.

Read on:

* Some malls and radio stations start playing Christmas carols before the kids have even had a chance to put their Halloween costumes away. There ought to be a law against such aural torture.

* Nobody knows how to drive, except in December when nobody knows how to drive AND nobody knows how to park. Remember, assholes, it's one parking spot per car and first come first served.

* Mistletoe. I have no problem with the concept of stepping under it and stealing a kiss -- I just don't like the way the word sounds. Think about it, missile toe -- MISS-ILL-TOW -- to me it sounds like a synonym for "swift kick in the ass."

* The over-packaging of some products is annoying. I got an electric razor for Christmas, and all it took to open it was a pair of scissors coupled with the near-severing of a major artery.

* How come nobody mentions the bigotry surrounding Rudolph? After being tormented by all the other reindeer, Rudolph gets to lead Santa's sleigh, yet the other eight reindeer are still on the job. In the real world, the kind of harassment unleashed by all of the other reindeer would get them fired. If I was Santa, not only would I fire the buckers, I'd make venison out of 'em.

* Snow. Yeah, yeah, white christmas, yadda, yadda. I have a theory that every person who loves a white christmas has never spent two hours shovelling it. Of course, I reserve the right to retract this hate should I ever move into a condo with underground parking.

* Fruitcake. Good idea -- bad execution.

* All the best TV shows are pre-empted so we can watch the umpteenth airing of Frosty the Snowman. Yeah, so what -- he melted. I pray for an alternate ending where, instead of magically getting put back together and heading off to the North Pole, someone grabs a mop and soaks the bugger up, never to return. Put that in your corncob pipe and smoke it.

* The National Basketball Association plays on Christmas Day. Like players don't have families?

* I'm not religious, but the first syllable of Christmas is Christ. With all the retail hoopla nowadays the holiday should probably be renamed "Salesmas."

* Speaking of which, retail workers don't get a Christmas break, even though they deserve one more than anyone on the f*cking planet.

And last, but definitely not least:

* I loathe the ditty, "The 12 Days of Christmas." If there is a more annoying song on the planet (not including half of everything by Mariah Carey and Celine Dion, of course) I haven't heard it.

Stay tuned...

BY GEORGE, I THINK HE'S GOT IT

2008-12-20T07:56:00.002-05:00

'Tis been awhile, so a few thoughts for the few who actually check this place out:

* Kudos to George W. Bush for doing the right thing, not so much for throwing a bunch of money at the auto industry, but for attaching a whole bunch of strings. To think it only took the guy eight years to get something right. I salute the outgoing one by doffing my right shoe in his honour (I'm saving the left one for the new guy).

* A full plate of scorn for Ronnie Gettelfinger, head honcho of the United Autoworkers Union, for being part of the problem and not part of the solution. Yeah, we know you got a contract with the Big Three, but you need to do the responsible thing and accept a pay cut for your members. 'Cause let's face it, bub, if Georgie's strings get pulled back and the Big Three go down the sewer your gang is getting a 100 per cent pay cut whether they like it or not.

* Still speaking of Dubya, he's recently been the target of flying footwear. Which begs the question, if Bush is hit by a shoe that really smells, does that qualify as an assassination attempt?

* The top two available pitchers in Major League Baseball's free agent frenzy both signed big deals this week, which would be great except that both are going to be collecting their pay from the Bank of Steinbrenner. It goes to say that I hate the Yankees for two very good reasons: 1) their penchant for spending way more than the other guys is ruining the game -- they might as well be playing against little league teams with the playing field so askew; and 2) they're the Yankees -- if you don't love 'em you have to hate 'em (it should say so in the official rules of baseball).

* Scarlett Johansson is putting a used Kleenex up for sale, with the proceeds going to her favourite charity. Which makes her just another snotty Hollywood star -- but with a heart of gold.

* Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, etc. etc.

Stay tuned...

WOE, CANADA

2008-12-04T10:40:00.002-05:00

I don't generally like talking politics. It's a dry subject for the most part, although I must admit I feel great glee when throwing darts at pompous posers with nothing better to do than waste other people's money for their own betterment.

Right now, Canada's federal government is one big bullseye. Time to take aim.

To summarize for those unfamiliar (AKA UnCanadians, for the most part), we Canuckleheads elected a new-old government about six weeks ago. In our system, the country is divided up into ridings, with each riding sending an elected member to sit in Ottawa's House of Commons so he/she can represent his/her constituents (AKA The People).

After the election, the Conservative Party won the most seats, but still had less than 50 per cent of the seats (AKA A Minority, AAKA What They Already Had Before The Election). This mean't (and still means) that the ruling Conservatives had to butter enough opposition bread to get legislation passed (AKA Sucking Up To The Enemy).

Recently, however, the Conservatives presented a platform to parliament that offended the opposition (AKA Libs, NDPeons and BlocHeads) enough for them to consider ganging together and taking over (AKA Skirting The Electorate).

And this is what pisses me off.

Although I generally vote Conservative, I have no love for Prime Minister Stephen Harper, nor his arrogant minions. But they were elected to govern, as per the rules of the game (AKA The Constitution). And though these rules do allow for a coalition to form and take over (AKA A Loophole), it's still wrong, especially when one considers the fact that one of the members of this coalition (AKA The Bloc Quebecois) is a party formed for the sole purpose of busting their province out of this most horrible Canadian gulag (AKA Goin' Their Own Way).

And while it's true that Canadians are election weary (AKA All Polled Out), it's the only honourable solution to this mess. The Prime Minister should be selected by the people of Canada (AKA The Reason These F*ckers Even Have A Job), not by a bunch of board room schemers plotting some kind of half-assed coup.

So I say, to the jackass in power and the shitheads who are trying to wrest it away, put it to Canadians for a vote. Standing up for Canada doesn't necessarily mean losing your seat.

Stay tuned...

YOU KNOW YOU HAVE TOO MANY DVD'S WHEN...

2008-11-28T13:53:00.007-05:00

So I goes to the mailbox to pick up my newly arrived copy of Hawaii Five-O Season Five, courtesy of the occasionally sane folks at Amazon.ca. And I'm lookin' at this terrifically enticing set and I thinks to myself -- did I even buy Season Four? I mean, I think I did. But where is it? It's not under the growing pile of dirty socks and other assorted smelly garments in the corner; it's not under the desk; heck, it's not even with the other gazillion DVDs I've amassed.

So where is it? Like I said about seven seconds ago, I'm pretty sure I bought it (it came out in June). But now, I'm starting to question my sanity.

I mean, more than usual, you know?

Stay tuned...

DON'T YOU HATE WHEN THAT HAPPENS?

2008-11-25T09:16:00.014-05:00

This is a screencap from Sunday's brief return of Jack Bauer in 24: Redemption. In this TV movie plus apology slash thank you (for their patience) to fans for the strike-induced delay to season 7, the exiled former Counter Terrorist Unit operative does his thing so a bunch of African kids don't end up as unwitting soldiers in some mad man's conquest for power.

After viewing the film, I have but one question: Will Jack save all the children in his care, or will he abandon them so he can save the production company's other cameraman (circled) instead? Only the film's editor knows for sure.

EDIT: The high and mighties at FOX seem to have fixed this blooper for the extended edition DVD released today, which is all the more odd. I figure the suits either knew about it in advance, but left it in the broadcast version anyway. Or they recalled the discs shipped to stores and replaced them with fixed versions -- all in one day. Option three would be Jack shooting the cameraman and burying his body in the woods while we weren't looking.

Stay tuned...

ROUNDING TURD AND HEADING FOR HOME

2008-11-21T16:23:00.004-05:00

Itttt'sssss... sssooooo... ccccooolllldddd...

Ugh. Sorry, about that. Keyboard got stuck.

Anyway, I'm not here today to write about the onset of winter a month early. Although, I guess if you're gonna start selling Christmas decorations before the kids are done their trick or treating, then all's fair in love and freezing your kiester.

No, today I'm spouting off about the love of one's animal and pavement care.

Whu-what, you say? Well, let me go back to the beginning.

I have to go get the kidlets from school every day at about quarter after three. It's a brisk walk, about 500 feet around a corner, through a park and across the school parking lot. Yeah, life's tough for my wee-uns.

Well.

Today, as I'm trodding along the educational asphalt, I come across this heaping pile of steaming dog shit. Poor (not so) little thing, all alone in the middle of an empty parking lot just waiting to experience the pancake effect at the hands of a set of Michelins.

Which got me thinking -- wouldn't Goodyear make for a better effect? No, wait -- that's not right.

Uh (flips through misaligned thoughts stored in dusty attic), what I really mean't was who was the pet owner walking their clydesdale through a school parking lot in the middle of a deep freeze, and why were they not courteous enough to bring an industrial size wheelbarrow with them for scoopage purposes?

I mean, this was just plain rude. Or it might have been a speed bump.

Sometimes when your brain is frozen it's just so hard to tell.

Stay tuned...

YOU'RE DEAD, JIM

2008-11-15T14:16:00.005-05:00

(Possible spoilerage ahead)

Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and admit your faults. And, boy, is this one a doozy.

See, I have an addiction to television shows. This is nothing new to those who know me, whether face to face or through their computer monitors.

But not many know that I am a big fan of -- DEEP BREATH -- Ghost Whisperer.

There -- I said it. I'm out of the mushy, romantic what the hell else is there to watch Friday night closet.

And I do enjoy the romance of the show. It's one of my wife's favourites, and lest you think she got me hooked on it, you'd be wrong. I was the one who went all Jennifer Love Hewitt on her.

It's not a perfect show. A lot of episodes are hokey slash corny slash just plain dumb. The whole this life versus the afterlife is done in the most simplistic manner, and one wonders just how a woman fresh out of college could scratch out the bucks to open a successful antique shop in a town barely bigger than my back yard.

That's when you remind yourself that it's just a damn TV show.

But while there are parts that are weak, the show has some strengths that make it totally endearing and, ironically, more down to earth than most of its peers.

The relationship between J Love's Melinda Gordon and her husband Jim (underplayed to perfection by David Conrad) is one that all couple's should aspire to. It might seem a little too perfect. They never argue -- hell, they rarely disagree. But the chemistry between these two actors is undeniably intense. These two really take their vows seriously except, apparently, the part about 'til death do us part.

You see, last week the show put a bullet into Jim, putting an end to his earthly existence. Now Jim won't leave and, if the end of this week's episode Jim's earthbound spirit dove into the dying body of Jericho's Kenneth Mitchell.

Question time: what the hell are the producers of this show thinking?

They've stated that David Conrad is not leaving the show, so killing him is hardly necessary. They claim that this will be wonderful for the show, but they obviously haven't been reading the feedback of their fans. Go to any entertainment website that recaps the show, and you'll see pain and anger from the show's fans. Many are adamant that if this scenario doesn't end with Jim in the shower (a la Patrick Duffy) they're going to spend Friday night at 8pm following other pursuits.

And I can't say I blame them.

So, a small message to the producers: it wasn't broke and you shouldn't have tried to fix it. Right now you're all high in the sky over the possibilities you've created, but you forgot to look down. Take a look gang -- all you'll see are waterskies and the world's biggest dorsal fin.

Fix what you've done or, when the ratings tank, CBS is going to feed you to that shark.

Stay tuned...

SEE, THE APES REALLY WERE MORE EVOLVED

2008-11-10T11:23:00.010-05:00

I like online shopping. I like Amazon dot com.

But every now and then something shows up on their website that makes me wonder if its being run by monkeys or something.

Case in point, the new release of the 40th Anniversary Blu-ray box set of the Planet of the Apes films. Amazon likes to try to sway people into buying more stuff, so they say things like "customers who bought X also bought Y."

In this case, I wonder Y any customer would be stupid enough to package it with X. Take a look and you'll see what I mean:

Sheesh! Do they honestly expect us to believe that someone would be dumb enough to buy a movie in a box set and then pick up the same flick separately? If there are actually human beings dumb enough to buy this combo, then maybe Amazon really is run by monkeys, in which case Apes author Pierre Boulle was truly a man ahead of his time.

Stay tuned...

BLACK MAN DUE, BARACK CAN DO

2008-11-07T15:26:00.006-05:00

Boy, wasn't that a party -- I've never seen so many adults bawlin' their eyes out in my life.

But back to reality, people.

Yes, Barack Obama is the first black man to become President of the U S of A. Based on his parentage, he's also the 44th white President, if you want to get technical. Funny how that rarely gets mentioned.

Which begs the question: why is a person with one black parent and one white parent automatically deemed to be black? Is it an alphabetical thing? I mean, it always was when we were talking about televisions. C'mon, raise your hands if you've ever owned a white and black boob tube.

No takers, huh?

Well, there you go then. Okay, Barack backers (or Barackers, for short) -- you win -- black it is.

Like it or not, he'll still be living in a White House, though.

Of course, race is something that shouldn't play a part in this equation but, for better or worse it does, even though Obama seems to have been elected by most on his words and principles, not his skin colour.

Sure, many probably voted because of his skin tint, but I'm sure the same could be said for the many who liked John McCain because he's a fair guy -- as in fair skinned, not fair and balanced.

But back to President-elect Obama. You've got your work cut out for you, man.

Let's face it, no Commander-in-Chief has screwed up America quite like Bush the Second, what with towers falling, debt rising, swift boating, war mongering, brain melting and and nucular pronunciating, to name his high points.

I'm sure the state of Texas will welcome Bushie back with open arms, though, which just goes to show what too much sunshine will do to some people.

Contrast the outgoing doof to Obama, who somehow seems like the anti-Bush. Obama's smart, articulate and moderately, uh, moderate. In other words, the exact kind of person needed to rescue America from itself.

If Obama succeeds in positively changing the way America is perceived by many nations over yonder, then it won't matter one iota where he fails.

He can screw up the economy or get caught in a scandal and it'll be water off his back, if he can just make the United States a likable nation again.

Yup, it definitely screams no-win situation. But if anyone can do it, Barack Obama can. After all, remember -- he's Afri-CAN Ameri-CAN.

Stay tuned...

BEYONCÉ MIGHT BE ON TO SOMETHING

2008-11-02T11:12:00.003-05:00

There are many things that make a person a lousy driver.

Some are the obvious: speeders, tailgaters, lane drifters, blind spot ignorers, multi-taskers (put down that blackberry donut) and passing lane slowpokes, to name but a few.

Today, I'm pickin' bones with people that don't know how to turn left.

Yeah, it's such a simple thing, but I'm amazed at the number of people who are clueless when they plant themselves in the left turn lane. You see, when turning left the cardinal rule is to get your car as far to the left, within the turn lane, as possible.

This has but one notable advantage, but only if everybody plays by said rule: it allows a driver the ability to see oncoming traffic past the car turning left opposite them.

Why is this so important?

Well it helps cut down on idiots that turn left blindly and end up as statistics. But more importantly (to an impatient guy like me, anyway) it gets more cars through the intersection at short lights, so the poor schmuck at the back of it all (AKA, moi again) doesn't have to sit through three lights.

(Brief pause for grumbling, cursing and random expletives)

Yesterday I encountered more than a couple of idiots as I sat through my third straight light in the same left turn lane, and judging by the few cars that made it through the first two lights, there were idiots aplenty.

This I do not understand. It's such a basic driving principle -- to be able to see!!! Is it too much to ask drivers to use that three pound bookend attached to the top of their neck while they're behind the wheel?

Apparently, it is. But I'm going to ask anyway -- and I'm even going to ask nicely.

So... If you're one of the drivers I'm going nuts over, please do everyone a favour: the next time you're out driving and about to enter the left turn lane, get over to the left as much as possible. You might be amazed at how easy a left turn can be.

That, and the drivers around you can keep their fingers holstered.

Stay tuned...

KEEP ME UP FOR THE BALLGAME...

2008-10-26T07:25:00.005-04:00

In the grand game of baseball, you can't control the weather.

During the season, officials wait out the rain until they realize the game won't be completed by a reasonable time, then they call it and the game gets rescheduled.

Of course, this doesn't happen in the playoffs, last night's third game of the World Series being a perfect example.

The weather wasn't co-operating in Philadelphia, but Team Selig was determined to get the game in, even if it didn't start until after 10pm and didn't end until almost 2am.

And baseball marketers keep wondering why they're losing the younger generation?

Sure, it's tough playing baseball in October in northern climes, especially since autumn is as extinct as the dodo bird. Summer runs to early October, immediately followed by a winter that lasts almost six months. Then there's a quick burst of spring followed by summer again, which is either painfully dry or constantly wet.

Never mind the economy, I'd like to see Obama or McCain fix the weather.

I'm guessin' that this is why the baseball honchos see such a need to get a game in at all costs. Nothing else makes any sense.

But starting a game as late as they did last night cheats a lot of fans, especially parents who bought tickets but had to get the wee'uns home at a decent hour. Sure, it's not a school night, but I can't imagine many young fans staying at the park for the duration. Nor do I imagine many kidlets staying in front of the tube that late.

I don't know whose call it was to have the game played, but this kind of thing seems to be Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig's specialty, and if so I have only three more words to say:

BUD, YOU SUCK!

Stay tuned...

LONG LIVE THE BAY HARBOR BUTCHER!

2008-10-22T09:24:00.004-04:00

Yeah, I know -- that sounds a little macabre.

And it should, 'cause it is.

The word came down yesterday that one of my favourite TV shows (of all time, I might add) is getting a little bit of security. That's right folks, the world's most popular serial killer gets to slice and dice for another two years. Naturally, I'm speaking of Dexter, the show centred on the extremely demented (but likable) Dexter Morgan, the best blood spatter analyst slash vigilante cut-up in all of Miami.

Now I'm sure a lot of people aren't all that familiar with this program, which airs on Showtime in the States and on (some channel I don't watch because I work nights and download all my shows) in Canada. But it is, in two words, simply terrific. It can also be unbelievably funny.

Michael C. Hall, late (so to speak) of Six Feet Under (another highly rated cable show), gives a performance in the title role that's so cool you'll want to invite him over to Christmas dinner to meet the family (and, if he's in the mood, to carve the turkey).

Dexter is currently about a third of the way through season three (the title of this piece alludes to events that occurred in season two), but it's not too late to get addicted to this masterpiece. Season one and two are out on DVD (Digital Veryshiny Disc), with the first season about to make its debut on the muchly hallowed but still way overpriced Bluray Hi-Def format.

I says go get it. This show'll kill ya.

Stay tuned...

PALIN AND PALIN'

2008-10-19T14:02:00.012-04:00

Is there an American left that takes Sarah Palin seriously?

Well, there's John McCain and... pretty much nobody else. Hell, after last night's Saturday Night Live, it's pretty obvious that not even Sarah Palin takes Sarah Palin seriously.

The woman has been lampooned four times now on NBC's venerable sketch show, but last night's Sarah for Tina press conference switcheroo pretty much took the cake. And odd as it may seem, it might have saved Palin's Electoral College bacon.

I mean, it probably didn't, but stranger things have happened.

And speaking of strange, how must the Tampa Bay Non-Devil Rays be feeling right about now? Up 3 games to 1 with a 7-0 lead and seven outs to go at Fenway, and POOF! Just like that they start feeling like the '86 Red Sox getting the World Series rug pulled out from under them by Mookie, Ray and the rest of the Metzkies. I wouldn't say the Rays been Bucknerized, but their collars must be feeling a little tight now that the BoSox have stretched things to a seventh game at the Trop.

Of course, the current Red Sox have a little bit of experience with big comebacks, although this one is paling in comparison to their slaying of the Yankees in 2004. They only have to win three in a row this time.

Yep, like things needed to be any hotter in Tampa.

Stay tuned...

WISHING FOR ELECT-ILE DYSFUNCTION

2008-10-16T13:30:00.006-04:00

I'm sure I'm not the only poor sap who's been debated to death.

Sigh.

Last night was the third and final debate between the Black Knight and Bush the Second the Second. And I have to confess, I didn't watch a minute of it. Nor did I watch the other two Presidential debates. And, lest I forget, I also completely ignored the quarrel session between Honest Joe and the Four-Eyed Maverick.

So why am I debated out?

It's because my TV viewing is collateral damage to these wars of words. Every time they hold one of these stinkin' things, one of my favourite shows hits the sidelines, waiting patiently for another chance at wowing its viewers. Last night's victim, from my couch, was Criminal Minds.

It doesn't really matter who gets elected, now does it? It's not like anything said in one of these debates is going to change a damn thing.

If you get Obama, you get a man who will probably go soft on everything and (further) ruin the economy. If you get McCain, you get a man who will probably push the world closer to World War III and (further) ruin the economy.

Talk about your no-win scenarios. And with all these crises that are likely to be created, there's bound to be more Presidential speeches -- which means even more interruptions to my TV schedule.

This makes me not so happy.

I'm thinking it might be time to bring back The West Wing. At least Martin Sheen was a President worth watching.

Stay tuned...

I'LL TAKE MINE SCRAMBLED

2008-10-14T13:24:00.003-04:00

Let that be a lesson for ya. Or rather, me.

Today I did my usual routine, which consists of get older kids to school, fiddle about, feed younger kid, get younger kid to school and check mail. For today only I'm adding "exclaim WTF" to the list.

Upon opening my mail, I came to the realization that Yahoo domains had renewed my poopd-culture.com domain automatically -- and billed me $35. Since I no longer use this domain I was a little perturbed. As much as I'm fond of that period where I routinely ripped Hollywood a new fault line, I'm more fond of the cash I will never see again.

Doesn't seem fair, really, except that I'm a notorious procrastinator, and I'm pretty sure Yahoo did send me an email with larger print saying my domain was up for renewal (with very small print, no doubt, saying ignoring this e-mail will cost me $35).

So, what to do, what to do...

I considered sending Yahoo an e-mail (or better yet, phoning them) explaining that I didn't agree to any renewal, but I'm sure they'd pull up some consent form saying, uh, yes I did.

And really, I'm too tired to fight it.

So -- I swallowed my pride and canceled the domain, which means they can't bill me again but I still own the (now useless) domain for a year, which is probably about how long it's going to take to scrub the egg off my face.

Stay tuned...

CAN I HAVE A LABATT'S BLUE AND A HAGGIS TO GO?

2008-10-12T11:29:00.007-04:00

Let's get one thing straight: hockey is not about bagpipes and fiddles.

But that's what we Canadians are left to listen to every Saturday night, thanks to the monetary tight asses at the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation. These nimrods let the theme song to Hockey Night in Canada go to the competition at The Sports Network (TSN).

This is a crime akin to letting Lost in Space use the Star Trek theme. It just isn't right.

The CBC's solution was to hold a contest to pick a new theme song. A smart move under the circumstances, but it doesn't change the fact that the CBC fubar-ed themselves beyond belief.

The new theme is Canadian Gold, composed by Alberta music teacher Colin Oberst. It's a decent enough tune, but it's Celtic flavour doesn't exactly scream shinny. The runner-up, Sticks to the Ice (written by 13 year-old -- not a typo -- Torontonian Robert Fraser Burke) had more energy and compared better to the original theme but seemed a little generic in its production, which is probably why it lost the vote.

The two finalists and TSN are the big winners. Two composers made names for themselves (in the case of Oberst, he also made some scratch, to the amount of $100K), and TSN bought themselves a cultural masterpiece.

And while the CBC might be getting some free advertising on TSN every time the old theme plays there, that won't last forever. But being dumb schmucks, in this case, is eternal.

Stay tuned...

YA KNOW, THIS IS EXACTLY HOW WACO STARTED

2008-10-11T09:50:00.004-04:00

So I went out to dinner with the family last night, which doesn't happen very often thanks to my vampiric (is that a word?) work schedule. I'm not going to name the restaurant because that would be free advertising and the meal, while decent, just wasn't that good.

Anyway, it's one of these restaurants that likes to pepper its walls full of pictures of celebrities. Nothing wrong with that -- I like celebrities. In the past they've been the source of some my vilest material. What really piqued my interest was the layout of these celebrities in relation to where we were sitting. From my vantage point, on the wall facing me (about twenty feet away) was a pair of pictures of Tom Cruise in his '80s prime. At the opposite end (also about twenty feet away) was a pair of pictures of John Travolta.

I have to admit, this made me a little uncomfortable. Here I was, minding my own business trying to eat a meal, and I'm being "watched" by -- gulp -- Scientologists. And two of the best known at that.

I was afraid -- very afraid. But then I received some comfort from above. Not from Him, mind you. I looked up to see which celebrity was right above me, and I couldn't have been happier. There was the man himself, clutching his Walther PPK and wearing his most serious face.

My fears had dissipated.

Thank you Mr. Bond. And you too, Mr. Connery.

Stay tuned...

LOOKS GREAT, BUT DOES IT COME IN BLUE?

2008-10-10T11:37:00.004-04:00

I'm back, here where it all began.

Back by popular indifference. That's how I'm explaining it to anyone scratching their noggins,or any other part of the body that rises to the occasion when given a good going over.

The indifference was mine. I tried setting up shop at another locale, but I just couldn't find the inspiration to say anything about anything. But here, I can be as sarcastic slash crazy slash evil as I want. I can pick on anybody for any reason. Sometimes it might even be justified.

So, in honour of my new, um, rebeginning, I'd like to take aim at a popular target -- that's right, I'm talking about you, Governor Palin.

You're a tool.

A decent looking tool, but you're hardware nonetheless. Which is just my way of saying that, come early November, you're gonna get hammered.

Stay tuned...

2007-01-14T09:08:00.002-05:00

Almost back -- AKA A Quick Update

I've been busy, hence the disappearing act. With what, you say?

Well, where do I start. There was that Holiday thing, a family outing, a basement under construction and a meltdown (again) of my existing computer, necessitating repairs and/or a total rebuild. This is being written on the family's new computer -- yes, there will now be two in the house. There's this nice new shiny thing and that other thing, the principle receiver of my best profanity.

Anyway, s'all for now. I will be returning in a week or two, only it likely won't be here. I'll keep all posted when things are straightened out. Thanks to everyone who left comments and thanks to those who just check in now and again.

Stay tuned...

2006-12-20T12:22:00.002-05:00

To one and all:

Am takin' the obligatory break for this time of year.

So I'll just say Merry Christmas.

Or Happy Hanukkah.

Or Pleasant Festivus.

Or whatever bakes your cookies.

See ya in '07 is some form or another.

Stay tuned...

2006-12-15T14:16:00.003-05:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) Jingle Hells -- Christians dismayed by Black Christmas.
(Link) You never give me your money -- Yoko's chauggeur busted for extortion attempt.
(Link) Goodbye, Frank -- Peter Boyle calls it a life.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** A man so funny he's Dorf, Tim Conway is 73
** Long-time blitzer for both the Patriots and Dolphins, Nick Buoniconti is 66
** The man who put the "Dave Clark" in The Dave Clark Five, Dave, um, Clark is 64
** Running things for his fourth team, Detroit Tigers' field boss Jim Leyland is 62
** Former Houston Astros' player and manager -- but not at the same time -- Art Howe is 60
** The original Sonny Crockett, Don Johnson is 57
** Not a sister of Christian Slater, although she once played one, Helen Slater is 43
** Former Trekker Garrett Wang is 38
** Irish actor and Charlize Theron squeeze Stuart Townsend is 34
** Refugee from Orange County, actor Adam Brody is 27

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"We Just Disagree" by Dave Mason (released in 1977 on Columbia Records)

WHO SAID WHAT???
From Monday, December 11:

"Whatever didn't happen, make sure it doesn't happen again!"

-- spoken by Mike Novick (as portrayed on 24 by Jude Ciccolella)

Stay tuned...

2006-12-11T16:07:00.005-05:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) When you're 85 lbs, one shot is all it takes -- Nicole Richie busted for DUI.
(Link) Plastic junk in the trunk -- Tori Spelling holds a yard sale.
(Link) Hell and the Ohio River have frozen over -- WKRP is coming to DVD.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** Multi-talented performer Rita Moreno is 75
** Knots Landing alum who is aging just fine, thank you, Donna Mills is 66 -- seriously
** A guy with a mouth just big enough for his foot, Senator John "Herman" Kerry is 63
** A gal who's tougher than she looks, actress Teri Garr is 59
** She made a Jaws sequel and her career lived to tell about it, actress Bess Armstrong is 53
** Brother of a guy who pales in comparison to his former self, Jermaine Jackson is 52
** Director of the Almighty (Bruce and Evan, not the other Guy), Tom Shadyac is 48
** Motley Crue bassist and a man who's lucky to be alive, Nikki Sixx is 48
** Former Astros, Padres and Blue Jays outfielder and blockhead Derek Bell is 38
** Ottawa Senators "C" guy Daniel Alfredsson is 34
** Rapper, actor and man of many names, Mos Def is 33

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"Follow Your Heart" by Triumph (released in 1984 on MCA Records)

WHO SAID WHAT???
"Whatever didn't happen, make sure it doesn't happen again!"

-- spoken by **** ****** (as portrayed by **** **********)

Stay tuned...

2006-12-08T17:52:00.005-05:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) Take me, I'm yours -- alleged tax evader Snipes surrenders to the Feds.
(Link) Papa Subliminal -- Kevin Nealon and wife are expecting a wee'un.
(Link) Got yer back, Jack -- Rick Shroeder tags along with Kiefer.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** Austrian born actor Maximilian Schell is 76
** Boxing promoter not named Don King, Bob Arum is 75
** Closet Oriental David Carradine is 70
** Long retired from booking 'em, James MacArthur is 69
** Musician and ex to Cher about forty plastic surgeries ago, Gregg Allman is 59
** Writer slash director with a film currently showing, Nancy Meyers is 57
** Oscar winner and still smokin' babe Kim Basinger is 53
** ESPN motor mouth Roy Firestone is 53
** Former Duran Duran guy Warren Cuccurullo is 50
** Def Leppard guitarist Phil Collen is 49
** Notorious right-wing ditch pig Ann Coulter is 45
** Rail thin Desperate Housewife Teri Hatcher is 42
** Infamous Pope ripper Sinead O'Connor is 40
** Mike Mussina, AKA Cito Gaston's favourite pitcher, is 38
** Nextel Cupper (part one) Kevin Harvick is 31
** Still a Lostie Dominic Monaghan is 30
** Nextel Cupper (part two) Ryan Newman is 29
** Former Lostie Ian Somerhalder is 28
** Perhaps soon-to-be traded Blue Jays' slugger and ace glovemanVernon Wells is 28
** San Diego Chargers' pigskin slinger Philip Rivers is 25

HELLO, GOODBYE
Jim Morrison was born on December 8, 1943. John Lennon died on December 8, 1980. Is there a more noteworthy day in rock 'n roll history?

WHO SAID WHAT???
From Wednesday, December 6:

"Would you be offended if I said I'd like to use your ass as a bongo drum?"

-- spoken by Peter Griffin (as voiced on Family Guy by Seth MacFarlane)

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"Porcelain" by Moby (released in 1999 on V2 Records)

THE BIG PLUNGE: S IS FOR SUPER, MAN
It's a bird, it's a plane, it's... it's... it's a guy in his underwear.

Flying.

Would Superman become a pop cultural phenomenon if he were introduced today? Hard to say, really. The thought of an alien superhero zipping through the air in his best Calvin Kleins while saving the world from megalomaniacs is a bit of a stretch. Now, if he were ridding the world of corrupt politicians and/or Paris Hilton, well, maybe.

In any case, I was excited to see the release of the 14-disc Superman DVD set recently, bringing together all four Christopher Reeve films (even though the last two sucked Kryptonite), and adding the promising but underwhelming Superman Returns and the long pined-for Richard Donner cut of Superman II, along with other assorted animated and documentary-type stuff.

The original 1978 movie is in the box in two different versions -- the original theatrical cut and an extended director's cut stuffed to the rafters with extra footage.

And speaking of different versions, there could hardly be two different versions of the same movie than the theatrical version of Superman II and the newly put together Richard Donner cut that fans have been begging for almost since the movie hit screens in 1980.

The plan for the first two films was for Donner to shoot them back-to-back, a practice that is becoming much more commonplace nowadays (see The Lord of the Rings, The Matrix and Pirates of the Caribbean for recent examples of this). With the due date for the first film approaching, Donner stopped working on the second film, which had completed about 70 per cent of its principal photography, in order to put the finishing touches on the first.

Donner never got to finish the second. He was canned by producers Alexander and Ilya Salkind before work resumed on the second, which was then turned over to director Richard Lester (best known at that point as director of The Beatles' first two films). Lester ended up using about half of what Donner shot, adding much of his own footage, most notably the Eiffel Tower terror sequence that occurs early in Superman II.

After being disappointed with Lester's Superman III, many fans clamored for Donner to have a chance to put his Superman II together. When Warner Brothers announced the box set earlier this year, the fans got their wish, although originally Donner was going to have nothing to do with the project. But as time went on, the studio came to its senses and Donner came on board, showing an enthusiasm totally lacking any bitterness to which he was probably entitled.

And what a job he did with Superman II: The Richard Donner Cut. While the film is a little rough around the edges in places (one scene was never filmed so screen test footage was utilized), it is faithful to Donner's original vision. It's superior in some ways to Lester's finished product which, despite all the political wrangling in the background, still turned out to be a pretty darned good film.

Superman III and Superman IV: The Quest for Peace are pretty bad movies, but still worth watching because every moment with Christopher Reeve in the tights and cape could hardly be called a waste of time.

I've still got some stuff to watch on this set, including the Max Fleischer animated shorts from the forties and the movie that immediately preceded the fifties TV series starring George Reeves, the wonderfully titled Superman and the Mole-Men. And about a weekend's worth of documentaries and deleted scenes.

It's as good a time as any for me to take off. S is also for See ya later.

Stay tuned...

2006-12-06T16:59:00.003-05:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) Britney is # 1 for Yahoo searches -- all that looking and nobody's found her panties.
(Link) The real Break-Up -- Jennifer and Vince are "friends" no more
(Link) Will slug for food -- Barry BooHoo goes looking for a job.
(Link) Fear of the Idol -- Lost chickens out, loses an hour.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** Jazz legend Dave Brubeck is 86
** Boxing promoter and president of the Hair Club for Extra-Terrestrials, Don King is 74
** Baseball guy with a really short fuse, Larry Bowa is 61
** Former Formula 1 driving champion Keke Rosberg is 58
** Matriarch of the House of Poltergeist JoBeth Williams is 58
** Faber College alumnus and Delta House pledge Tom Hulce is 53
** Survivor cutie and failed actress Colleen Haskell is 30

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"Ode to My Family" by The Cranberries (released in 1994 on Island Records)

WHO SAID WHAT???
"Would you be offended if I said I'd like to use your ass as a bongo drum?"

-- spoken by ***** ******* (as voiced by **** *********)

CELEBRITY CRAPOLA
A new album of Christmas songs by Michael Jackson has been cancelled by the self-proclaimed King of Pop's record label after the singer was allegedly caught trying to be hands-on with The Little Drummer Boy.

THE GREEN MONSTER
I'm not saying that baseball salaries are once again getting out of hand, but the Boston Red Sox just offered a five year, $22 million deal to the New York Yankees' batboy.

Stay tuned...

2006-12-04T16:34:00.004-05:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) LiLo heads to kegger -- mistakenly ends up at A.A. meeting instead.
(Link) Yeah, but what about that Canadian keyboard dweeb -- Dave re-ups with the Eye.
(Link) At least Kevin Bacon's still alive -- George Clooney mourns his pet pig.
(Link) But cannabis is more fun -- Macca tries to shrink his marital woes.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** The last surviving Ronnie, British funny man Ronnie Corbett is 76
** Former Tic-Tac-Dough host with the funny name, Wink Martindale is 72
** He fought the Martians a lifetime ago, retired actor Jimmy Hunt is 67
** The Byrds' bass guy Chris Hillman is 64
** Actor and Beau-bro Jeff Bridges is 57
** He's Stephen King's personal director, Mick Garris is 55
** She used to be thirtysomething, but Brothers & Sisters star Patricia Wettig is now 55
** An actor so tall they made him a Klingon, Tony Todd is 52
** A man who saved a ballgame or two, former ace closer Lee Smith is 49
** Her career clock is ticking like this, actress Marisa Tomei is 42
** Rapper incognito (aren't they all) Shawn Carter -- AKA Jay-Z -- is 37
** Source of many a wet dream (or, uh, so I've heard) Tyra Banks is 33

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"Rockin' Chair" by Oasis (released in 1995 on Big Brother Recordings)

WHO SAID WHAT???
From Friday, December 1:

"Ah, the morning consumption of mass quantities -- gridlike breakfast slabs, extruded mammal fillings, seared strips of swine flesh and flattened chicken embryos. I will enjoy it."

-- spoken by Beldar Conehead (as portrayed in The Coneheads by Dan Aykroyd)

CELEBRITY CRAPOLA
Paris Hilton cancelled her appearance at the upcoming Billboard Music Awards, supposedly because she found jokes in her script about her friends objectionable, but Hilton spokesman Elliot Mintz has now confirmed that the real reason for Hilton's rejection is that she hasn't had time to prepare a proper wardrobe malfunction.

Stay tuned...

2006-12-01T15:50:00.002-05:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) Volonté vous m'épousez -- Parker and Longoria find each other engaging.
(Link) Somebody tell Yogi it's over -- Charlie and Denise officially become separate entities.
(Link) Fallopian two-bular denial -- Bullock and Hewitt both say they're not expanding.
(Link) Somebody call him a Taxi -- Danny DeVito parades his liver on The View.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** Former voice from another planet, actor Malachi Throne is 78
** Writer, director and rearer of at least one child, Woody Allen is 71
** Estranged drummer for The Doors, John Densmore is 62
** Victim of a George Costanza forearm shiver, Bette Midler is 61
** Former seventies schmaltz prince Gilbert O'Sullivan is 60
** Long-time big bopper for the Big Red Machine, George Foster is 58
** Now done doing the Everwood thing, actor Treat Williams is 55
** Entertainment Tonight co-anchor and former game show host Bob Goen is 52
** The real gal behind Sex and the City, writer Candace Bushnell is 48
** Pint-sized Dallas hottie and former Joanie Cunningham nemesis Charlene Tilton is 48
** A Canadian dude who really kicked ash, Larry Walker is 39

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"Run To Me" by The Bee Gees (released in 1972 on Polydor Records)

WHO SAID WHAT???
"Ah, the morning consumption of mass quantities -- gridlike breakfast slabs, extruded mammal fillings, seared strips of swine flesh and flattened chicken embryos. I will enjoy it."

-- spoken by ****** ******** (as portrayed by *** *******)

Stay tuned...

2006-11-29T23:55:00.002-05:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) Who's gonna be the Godfather -- Sofia Coppola directs her attention to motherhood.
(Link) Yellow makes me dizzy, too -- kids fave The Wiggles lose their leader.
(Link) Brit's close shave -- the not-so-divine Miss Spears does her best Paris impersonation.
(Link) Shell Games -- it ain't easy bein' an Oakland Raider.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** The voice emanating from Chavez Ravine for eons, Vin Scully is 79
** Actress and mother to a girl named Laura, Diane Ladd is 74
** Mike Judge's favourite flugelhorn player, Chuck Mangione, is 66
** Former singing Papa Denny Doherty is 66
** Detroit native and long-time Tigers backstop Bill Freehan is 65
** A man so funny they named a show after him (yeah, 'cause that's never been done before), Garry Shandling is 57
** Co-producer of so many weird movies, Joel Coen is 52
** Funny guy desperately in need of a hair piece, Howie Mandel is 51
** Ex-Mets bopper, third sacker and hotel namesake Howard Johnson is 46
** Former NYPD Blue bare ass Kim Delaney is 45
** Voted as Brat Packer Least Likely to Get Busted By the Fuzz, Andrew McCarthy is 44
** Bound to win an Oscar sooner or later, Don Cheadle is 42
** Former backcourt guy for the Celtics, Raptors and Magic, Dee Brown is 38
** Actress Jennifer Elise Cox, AKA the other Jan Brady, is 37
** Former Baywatch bubblehead Gena Lee Nolin is 35
** Former NBAer who retired way too young, Jamal Mashburn is 34
** Star of the Scary Movie franchise until the day she dies, Anna Faris is 30

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"From A Moving Train" by America (released in 1998 on Oxygen Records)

WHO SAID WHAT???
From Monday, November 27:

"You can't be a network president alone in Manhattan without adult supervision!"

-- spoken by Dick Solomon (as portrayed on 3rd Rock from the Sun by John Lithgow)

Stay tuned...

2006-11-27T17:19:00.002-05:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) What took them so long -- Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock take a trip to splitsville.
(Link) Here's a switch -- All My Children adds pre-op transgender character.
(Link) Jacks-On or Jacks-Off -- The Hobbit may get to play with his Peter after all.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** Producer of Doctor Who when it started the first time, Verity Lambert is 71
** Long-time Miami Dolphins clipboard carrier Don Strock is 56
** Statuesque movie director Kathryn Bigelow is 55
** Famed Revenge of the Nerds nasal investigator Curtis Armstrong is 53
** Former talking Trans-Am mechanic Patricia McPherson is 52
** Science Guy, the Bill Nye is 51
** Actor who's great at playing creepos, William Fichtner is 50
** Sci-fi writer Michael Stackpole is 49
** Anaheim (not L.A.) Angels manager and former squatter Mike Scioscia is 48
** No longer Miss Moneypenny now that's she's not needed, Samantha Bond is 45
** Alias guy who's bound to show up on Lost sooner or later Michael Vartan is 38
** Well travelled hoopster Nick Van Exel is 35
** Tigers' catcher Ivan "I'm Pudge But I'm Not Carlton Fisk" Rodriguez is 35
** The man who once played the ultimate nerd, Jaleel "Urkel" White, is 30
** Phillies shortstop and former National League rookie of the year Jimmy Rollins is 28

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"Eight Miles High" by The Byrds (released in 1966 on Columbia Records)

WHO SAID WHAT???
"You can't be a network president alone in Manhattan without adult supervision!"

-- spoken by **** ******* (as portrayed by **** *******)

Stay tuned...

2006-11-24T14:05:00.002-05:00

No post today -- I'm too stuffed from dreaming about all the turkey I'd have eaten had I been American. See ya Monday.

Stay tuned...

2006-11-22T16:33:00.004-05:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) The Player no more -- Robert Altman dies at 81.
(Link) Car of the year named -- and it ain't Lightning McQueen.
(Link) Rejected -- FOX puts The Juice back in the freezer.
(Link) CGI: Kansas -- The Wizard of Oz gets an update.
(Link) My Name is Randi -- Ethan Suplee's back in the fatherhood game.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** United Network Command for Law Enforcement dude Robert Vaughn is 74
** Monty Python's token American and chief illustrator, Terry Gilliam is 66
** Famed Battle of the Sexes victor Billie Jean King is 63
** Springsteen guitarist, Sopranos cast member and president of the Bandana of the Month Club, Steve Van Zandt is 56
** Mad About You and Spin City actor Richard Kind is 50
** Retired from acting until James Cameron digs up his True Lies sequel, Jamie Lee Curtis is 48
** Actress with a tragedy laden surname, Mariel Hemingway is 45
** Former NFL interception specialist Eric Allen is 41
** Now appearing as James Bond nemesis Le Chiffre in Casino Royale, Mads Mikkelsen is 41
** Youngest men's Wimbledon champ at 17, Boris "Boom Boom" Becker is 39
** Popular Hollywood second fiddle Mark Ruffalo is 39
** Canadian women's hockey icon Cassie Campbell is 33
** Actress seemingly on the verge of tipping over, Scarlett Johansson is 22

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"Hurt Me" by The Odds (released in 1996 on Elektra Records)

WHO SAID WHAT???
From Monday, November 20:

"Great idea, dude. Go look in the burning death hole..."

-- spoken by Hugo Reyes, AKA Hurley (as portrayed by Jorge Garcia)

THINGS YOU ACCIDENTALLY FIND OUT WHEN YOU'RE LOOKING FOR OTHER THINGS
Somewhere out there in the land of not so wholesome, family entertainment, there is an actress named Demi Willis.

Seriously.

Stay tuned...

2006-11-20T21:52:00.004-05:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) K-K-Kramer -- Michael Richards drops N-bomb, then dances the mea culpa.
(Link) Mulder sends his best -- Gillian Anderson adds one more to the family.
(Link) New Line has big feet to fill -- The Hobbit moves forward without Peter Jackson.
(Link) Howard Powered -- Phillies' slugger takes home the hardware.
(Link) Cubs get offensive -- Northsiders throw millions at defenseless Soriano.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** The best James Bond novelist not named Ian Fleming, John Gardner is 80
** Character actor who's guest starred on almost every show ever made, Jerry Hardin is 77
** Actor and game show lip-locker Richard Dawson is 74
** Half of a really funny whole, entertainer Dick Smothers is 66
** Original "Spirit in the Sky" guy Norman Greenbaum is 64
** Montreal Expos' public enemy #1 until Jeffrey Loria came to town, former L.A. Dodger Rick Monday is 61
** Long-time network news mouth piece Judy Woodruff is 60
** Possibly the only member of The Eagles to own a sense or humour, Joe Walsh is 59
** Veteran character actor whose name practically nobody can remember, Richard Masur is 58
** Still a 10, even if she can't act, Bo Derek is 50
** Long-time Miami Dolphins quarterback hand warmer Dwight Stephenson is 49
** Owner of the name on James Woods' favourite restraining order, actress Sean Young is 47
** Long time ER doctor babe Ming-Na is 43
** Former cast member of a failed Aaron Sorkin show not called Studio 60, Sabrina Lloyd is 36
** Former super flexible American Olympian Dominique Dawes is 30

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"You Know My Name" by Chris Cornell (to be released about a month from now on Universal Music)

WHO SAID WHAT???
"Great idea, dude. Go look in the burning death hole..."

-- spoken by **** ***** (as portrayed by ***** ******)

THE BIG PLUNGE: CRAIGHATERS EAT CROW
What they're washing it down with, I have no idea.

And I don't really care.

I have to admit I had my doubts when Daniel Craig was named the new James Bond. I didn't really think the franchise needed anything more than another Pierce Brosnan special effects laden epic, but I figured I'd hold back on the real criticism until after I'd seen Craig tackle the role.

After watching Casino Royale on the weekend, what's to criticize?

Casino Royale is, in a word, brilliant.

And Daniel Craig? Same word -- brilliant.

James Bond is no longer just a superspy. He's also, thanks to Craig's performance, an ass kicking action hero. Anyone who needs proof should watch the Madagascar foot chase that occurs early in the film. It's the stuff that dropped jaws are made of.

High marks must also be given to the supporting cast, including Eva Green, Mads Mikkelsen, Giancarlo Giannini, Jeffrey Wright and Judi Dench.

And one final high five for director Martin Campbell, who brought the franchise back to life in 1996 with Pierce Brosnan's 007 debut in GoldenEye. As good as that film was, this one is better.

I can't wait for the next film, whatever it's going to be called.

Stay tuned...

2006-11-17T16:24:00.000-05:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) Double-0-Splendid -- Daniel Craig debuts as James Bond, and the critics are a likin' it.
(Link) Dancing with the Duchess -- Sarah Ferguson says if Emmitt Smith can do it, well...
(Link) Mission Whoreallygivesashit -- Rome suburb preps for the TomKat onslaught.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** Papa to Ron and Clint (and grandPapa to Bryce), actor Rance Howard is 78
** He didn't wreck the Edmund Fitzgerald, he only sang about it, Gordon Lightfoot is 68
** Director of so many great movies, Martin Scorcese is 64
** A man who doesn't look so hot in a tuxedo, actor-director Danny DeVito is 62
** Occasionally comedically-challenged Saturday Night Live guru Lorne Michaels is 62
** Former Miracle Met and Red Machiner Tom Seaver is 62
** Dude looks like a lady, actor Andre Charles (AKA RuPaul) is 46
** Nip/Tucker Dylan Walsh is 43
** Mitch Williams, the favourite pitcher of a certain Joe Carter, is 42
** A hottie, even if she does resemble a Pez dispenser, Daisy Fuentes is 40
** A good Bond girl in a really bad Bond film, Sophie Marceau is 40

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"Laugh, Laugh" by The Beau Brummels (or, as they were called millions of years ago, The Beau Brummelstones) (released in 1964 on the Autumn label)

WHO SAID WHAT???
From Wednesday, November 15:

"I bet nuns are awesome basketball players, especially the ones who can fly."

-- spoken by Randy Hickey (as hilariously portrayed on My Name is Earl by Ethan Suplee)

Stay tuned...

2006-11-15T18:07:00.002-05:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) He didn't, but if he did -- O.J. hypothetically shovels it.
(Link) Didn't see this coming -- Medium FINALLY has its season premiere.
(Link) I almost placed second -- People names George Clooney the sexiest man alive.
(Link) Lost gets lost -- Taye Diggs takes a Day Break.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** The one and only Lou Grant, Edward Asner is 77
** Downtown gal Petula Clark is 74
** Massively underrated actor Yaphet Kotto is 59
** Oh, yeah -- professional squared circle "athlete" Randy "Macho Man" Savage is 54
** Former MuchMusic dude J.D. Roberts (AKA current CNN newsguy John Roberts) is 50
** Tonight Show bandleader Kevin Eubanks is 49
** Head man of Nickleback, the most overrated rock band ever, Chad Kroeger is 32
** The nerdiest NCIS special agent ever, actor Sean Murray is 29

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"Edge of the Ocean" by Ivy (released in 2001 on Nettwerk Records)

WHO SAID WHAT???
"I bet nuns are awesome basketball players, especially the ones who can fly."

-- spoken by ***** ****** (as portrayed by ***** ******)

THE BIG PLUNGE: OLD JOE'S FOR NEW
Today, Joe Girardi was named National League manager of the year for 2006, despite the fact that he was fired at the end of the season by the Florida Marlins and their double franchise-wrecking owner, Jeff Loria.

One would have thought that Girardi would not be unemployed for long. And one would be right.

But rather than take another managing job (sorry Texas, Oakland, Washington and Cubbies), Girardi decided to return to the New York Yankees broadcast booth.

Not because he thinks wearing a microphone is the sexiest thing since Pamela Anderson in a red Speedo.

But because he knows long-time Yankees field boss Joe Torre is on borrowed time.

The ideal scenario for the Pinstripers would be one last hurrah for Torre, culminating in another championship. Then Torre rides off into the Cooperstown sunset and Girardi, who was Torre's bench coach before he put on a fish suit, slips into the dugout.

On the other hand, maybe Girardi's only back in the Bronx because he does find that mic all hot and sexy. I have been wrong before -- at least once or twice.

Stay tuned...

2006-11-13T19:08:00.002-05:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) Pray for him -- Elton John wants to send religion packing.
(Link) A blu-ray of sunshine -- Sony's Playstation 3 invades Tokyo.
(Link) Good Grey-cious -- Ellen Pompeo gets engaged.
(Link) Guess who's Ed-specting -- Julie Bowen's working on a wee'un.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** Veteran American news dude Peter Arnett is 72
** The man who gave us The Fonz, actor-director and Pennybrother Garry Marshall is 72
** Former Yankees' hurler and pitching coach Mel Stottlemyre is 65
** Mobster Fat Tony's alter ego Joe Mantegna is 59
** Buffalo Sabres captain for life Gilbert Perrault is 56
** Former accomplice to James Bond and former pain in the ass to Harry Tasker, Art Malik is 54
** The only non-porn star to be known as Mr. Big, Chris Noth is 52
** A woman whose hair has a mind of its own, the occasionally funny Whoopi Goldberg is 51
** He plays a cop so much he might as well be one, actor Rex Linn is 50
** Well-travelled actress Caroline Goodall is 47
** Formerly uber accurate NFL place kicker Steve Christie is 39
** Late nite smartass Jimmy Kimmel is 39
** Character actor in training Steve Zahn is 39
** NBA crowd control expert Ron Artest is 27

WHO SAID WHAT???
From Friday, November 10:

"Considering the type of people you are and the environment you're in, you have to admit the strong possibility this may be the only chance you ever have in your entire lives... to have sex."

-- spoken by Chris Knight (as portrayed in Real Genius by Val Kilmer)

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"Wait For Me" by The Northern Pikes (released in 1988 on Virgin Records)

THE BIG PLUNGE: JACK PALANCE (1919-2006)
I wrote my Friday stuff too early to catch wind of the fact that this terrific actor had moved on to new spiritual digs.

It was hardly surprising, since the man was 87 years-old. But I was saddened, nonetheless.

I haven't seen all of his earlier movies, but one sticks out in my mind for a number of reasons. That film would be Shane, about as good a western as one could possibly find.

This film was big in my family, to the point that I was originally supposed to be named Shane, but it ended up as my middle name instead. My nephew (who is now in his mid 20's) ended up getting the name. It's possible he talks about the movie he was named after, but I just tell people he was named after me.

Jack Palance wasn't Shane -- that honour belonged to Alan Ladd. Palance made his mark early in his career playing badasses like Shane's notorious gunfighter Jack Wilson. He was a natural with that tough, chiselled face and that gruff voice.

Nominated for Academy Awards in back-to-back years in the fifties, real respect wouldn't come for nearly forty years.

He finally scored when he won a Best Supporting Actor Oscar in 1992 for his role as Curly, the tough as nails trail boss with the big heart in City Slickers. Palance turned Hollywood on its ear when he dropped to the floor for some push-ups while accepting his statue. Billy Crystal turned the display into an ongoing joke through the rest of the telecast. After a musical performance that involved many dancing children, Crystal quipped that "Jack Palance is the father of all those children."

But nothing is forever. Palance may have seemed immortal during his big night, but time did end up catching up to him eventually.

Like Crystal's Mitch Robbins said to Curly, I say the same to Mr. Jack Palance: so long, cowboy.

Stay tuned...

2006-11-10T16:31:00.000-05:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) The West Wing it ain't -- Studio 60 bucks odds, gets full season pickup.
(Link) My, what big testicles you have -- K-Fed fights for kids and kash.
(Link) ~~Women and~~ Children First -- Eddie's kid picks up a bass, joins the band.
(Link) Maybe she was aiming for Charlie -- Denise Richards chucks laptop, injures two elderly women.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** A man in need of a bigger boat, Roy Scheider is 74
** Sir Tim Rice, Andrew Lloyd Webber's favourite lyricist, is 62
** Veteran prog-rocker Greg Lake (of Emerson, Lake & Palmer) is 59
** The man who threw the pitch that Mookie hit and Buckner missed, Bob Stanley is 52
** The man who tried to ruin Godzilla, director Roland Emmerich is 51
** Not much of a sailor, but good for a laugh, comedian Sinbad is 50
** A man of many occupations, including writer every once in a while, Neil Gaiman is 46
** Hygienically-challenged, non-singing cameraman throttler Kenny Rogers is 42
** Very funny guy Tracy Morgan is 38
** No longer the second coming of Jerry Rice, Rams wideout Isaac Bruce is 34
** Goofy lookin' Sin City chick Brittany Murphy is 29
** Princess Diaries pepperpot Heather Matarazzo is 24

WHO SAID WHAT???
"Considering the type of people you are and the environment you're in, you have to admit the strong possibility this may be the only chance you ever have in your entire lives... to have sex."

-- spoken by ***** ****** (as portrayed by *** ******)

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"Delilah" by Marshall Crenshaw (released in 1991 on Paradox Records)

I KNOW NOBODY REALLY CARES, BUT I GOTTA SAY IT ANYWAY...
So let me see if I have this straight.

Britney sues Kevin for divorce because (presumably) he's an absentee father due to his full-time occupation as an idiot party hound.

But Kevin's going to try to get custody of the kids.

And he wants spousal support.

And he expects the courts to side with him.

Because he thinks he's such a great father.

Which he proved by abandoning his pregnant girlfriend and their other child to move in on Britney.

Then there's the fact that, outside of pop culture oddity and laughingstock, he has no job prospects whatsoever.

Yup.

He should win in a landslide.

Stay tuned...

2006-11-08T14:56:00.000-05:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) Britney visits Dave looking happier than she has in a long time...
(Link) ...And now we know why -- hasta la vista, shithead!
(Link) LiLo says she hates party girl image -- offers to sell it back to Tara Reid.
(Link) Anna Nicole discharged from hospital -- four different men claim to be her doctor.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** Former Toronto Maple Leaf goalie and occasional Santa Claus Johnny Bower is 82
** NCAA gridiron coaching legend Bobby Bowden is 77
** Blues-rock singer and slide guitarist Bonnie Raitt is 57
** Entertainment Tonight co-host and owner of a leggy insurance policy, Mary Hart is 56
** Businesswoman, writer, and daughter of the ultimate playboy, Christie Hefner is 54
** Barely a desperate housewife, Alfre Woodcard is 54
** Folk-rock singer and occasional actress Rickie Lee Jones is 52
** A former pretty boy who hasn't aged well, Leif Garrett is 45
** Actress with two last names, Parker Posey is 38
** According to Jim Belushi, Courtney Thorne-Smith really is 39
** A.A. poster girl and owner of the worst boob job ever, Tara Reid is 31
** Former American military ambassador to Iraq Lynndie England is 24

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"There She Goes" by The La's (released in 1990 on Polygram Records)

WHO SAID WHAT???
From Monday, November 6:

"Wouldn't it be great if you could ask a woman what she's thinking?"

-- spoken by Jerry Seinfeld (as portrayed on Seinfeld by the single, thin neat guy in the mirror)

Stay tuned...

2006-11-06T17:41:00.002-05:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) Kirstie Alley's not half the gal she used to be -- Oprah says the first time's always the hardest.
(Link) Doo-gay Howser -- Neil Patrick Harris officially joins the "that persuasion" club.
(Link) Chasing Thin Lizzie -- Hilary's very own stalker goes in the clink.
(Link) What a cl-ass act -- Kanye West crashes stage at awards show.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** Director of so many wonderful films, Mike Nichols is 75
** Owner of the San Francisco 49ers during the glory years, Eddie DeBartolo is 60
** Former airy religious icon and one time runaway bride -- not to mention Forrest's mom -- Sally Field is 60
** Former tennis hacker and current tennis yakker Maria Shriver is 51
** Former Famester and sister to a Beastmaster, Lori Singer is 49
** Son of my favourite fat guy, and brother of a dog food hawker, actor Peter DeLuise is 40
** Survivor of many failed TV shows, Kelly Rutherford is 38
** Forever to be known as the man who lost the goddess Uma, actor Ethan Hawke is 36
** A gal with an interesting first name, actress Thandie Newton is 34
** A three-time mutant and formerly married to one, actress slash model Rebecca Romijn non-Stamos is 34
** JAG's hottest Petty Officer, actress Zoe McLellan is 32
** Singer, actress and survivor of an emergency landing, Taryn Manning is 28

WHO SAID WHAT???
"Wouldn't it be great if you could ask a woman what she's thinking?"

-- spoken by ***** ********

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"Secret Messages" by the Electric Light Orchestra (released in 1983 on Jet Records)

AND THEN THERE WERE ELEVEN
Tomorrow will see the release of another DVD set featuring a season of M*A*S*H episodes, but what sets this one apart is that it is the last. So after about five years of DVD waiting, I will finally have the entire 4077th collection, including the original movie and the incredible series finale, "Goodbye, Farewell and Amen."

Sigh. It's going to be a long night.

Stay tuned...

2006-11-03T15:57:00.002-05:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) One giant leap for a small man -- spacey Tom Cruise gets his own movie studio.
(Link) Things are looking up -- the shuttle Discovery is prepped for December launch.
(Link) Blade surrenders, sorta -- Wesley Snipes reaches agreement with the taxing Feds, avoids crowbar hotel.
(Link) Calling all young Republicans -- Family Ties comes to DVD, FINALLY!

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** Former Cleveland Indians fireballer and current Cooperstown plaque Bob Feller is 88
** Three-time Massachusetts Governor, failed Presidential candidate and owner of the world's thickest eyebrows, Michael Dukakis is 73
** The mouth (and hair) of The Hollywood Squares, actor and game show announcer Shadoe Stevens is 59
** One-time and one-name James Bond theme singer Lulu is 58
** Long-time heavyweight champion (before that Tyson guy came along) Larry Holmes is 57
** Former Boston Red Sox Monster-banger Dwight Evans is 55
** San Diego Padres crowd favourite and alleged comedienne Roseanne (short for Roseanne Barr Pentland Arnold Thomas) is 54
** Mrs. Steven Spielberg and former Indiana Jones tagalong Kate Capshaw is 53
** Semi-flamboyant eighties singer, music video pioneer and picnic pest Adam Ant is 52
** Drew Carey's favourite cover girl, Kathy Kinney is 52
** Two-time Super Bowl winning QB and sire to a certain Tampa Bay pivot who'd like to do the same, Phil Simms is 51

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"Summer, Highland Falls" by Billy Joel (released in 1976 on Columbia Records)

WHO SAID WHAT???
From Wednesday, November 1:

"Freakin' girls! Yeah, if it wasn't for the soft skin, the legs, the eyes, the long fingernails, the butts and the boobs, I wouldn't even talk to 'em."

-- spoken by Michael Kelso (as portrayed on That '70s Show by Ashton "My Old Lady's Hotter Than Hell" Kutcher)

THE BIG PLUNGE: NOVEMBER SWEEPS
It only comes once a year (except when it also comes in February and May).

That's right -- it's time for television's November sweeps, when the networks rip off their advertisers by offering the only good shit they have in an effort to boost rates during the weaker times. Here, in the nuttiest of nutshells, is a quick look at some of the more interesting programs that are forthcoming:

Dateline NBC: An Intimate Look at the Life of Jenna Jameson
Anchor Stone Philips goes undercover as big stud Stretch Cummins to get an inside scoop on the world famous porn star.

Sugar, Sugar: The Archies Anthology (ABC)
The network tries to repeat the success of The Beatles Anthology, which aired in 1994.

My Name is Earl (NBC)
In a supersize episode, Earl and Randy travel to Afghanistan to cross #217 off Earl's list: "passed on opportunity to kick Osama Bin Laden's ass."

It's Only Syphilis, Charlie Brown (CBS)
Peanuts' lovable loser gets a surprise after Lucy finally lets him kick the ball.

American Logo (The CW)
Hosted by former Smallville star John Schneider, the newest amalgamated kid on the block holds a talent contest to design a new logo for the network, to be judged by the well-respected troika of Ashlee Simpson, Gary Coleman and that bitch was in the first few seasons of Charmed. The new logo is needed after network bigwigs came to the conclusion that the old one looks like a piece of crap scribbled by an impaired preschooler.

Grey's Anatomy (ABC)
In a shocking episode, the staff at Seattle Grace plunge into deep shock after Burke quits the hospital, Derek gives up his RV, and Meredith goes an entire episode without sleeping with anyone.

CSI: Miami (CBS)
All the best efforts of South Florida's Crime Scene Investigation unit go for naught when they are unable to figure out how David Caruso's movie career was killed.

The New Adventures of Old Christine (CBS)
Wayne Knight guest stars in an episode where Christine (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) gets drunk and has a one night stand with a stranger (Knight) after boldly promising to make a new man out of him.

NBC Sports
The National Curling League holds its annual All-Star game.

FOX Movie Special
Kiefer Sutherland stars in a John Hughes film, entitled Ferris Bauer's Day Off.

Stay tuned...

2006-11-01T16:11:00.002-05:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) Games over -- Bob Barker gives up the mic.
(Link) Diamond dud -- World Series ratings hit non-pay dirt.
(Link) Cleanliness is next to ugliness -- Courtney mounts a comeback.
(Link) Does Elle Woods do divorces? Another Hollywood marriage bites the dust.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** Mother of an undead cinematic serial killer, actress Betsy Palmer is 80
** NHL coaching legend Al Arbour is 74
** South African golf guru Gary Player is 71
** King of Smut and aspiring politician Larry Flynt is 64
** Teacher of the Year Edna Krabappel (AKA actress Marcia Wallace) is 64
** The man who made the ultimate Meat Loaf, rock composer Jim Steinman is 59
** Can't even get into the Rock 'N Roll Hall of Fame if he buys a ticket, music producer David Foster is 57
** Singer, songwriter and fugly Julia Roberts trivia answer Lyle Lovett is 49
** Master of the one-handed backbeat, Def Leppard drummer Rick Allen is 43
** Singer from another planet Sophie B. Hawkins is 39
** Recently retired hockey cement head Tie Domi is 37
** Aussie actress Toni Collette is 34
** Not currently naked in front of a camera, Jenny McCarthy is 34
** The Queen of Bollywood, Aishwarya Rai is 33
** Hairy American Idol wannabe Bo Bice is 31

WHO SAID WHAT???
"Freakin' girls! Yeah, if it wasn't for the soft skin, the legs, the eyes, the long fingernails, the butts and the boobs, I wouldn't even talk to 'em."

-- spoken by ******* ***** (as portrayed by ****** *******)

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"She's So Young" by The Pursuit of Happiness (released in 1988 on Chrysalis Records)

THE BIG PLUNGE: CHANNEL SURFING
(CAUTION: The following may contain the very minorest of spoilerage. Readeth at own riskage.)

1. Will tonight's Lost begin with Queen's "Another One Bites the Dust" playing? It should, because someone's a goner. I'm betting the lucky corpse is Mr. Jesus Stick, since actor Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje is not currently in Hawaii. On the other hand, Lost actors sometimes go a couple of episodes without even appearing, so who knows.
2. Sitting on my hard drive waiting to be viewed: the series premiere for Heroes. It looks like it's gonna stick around, so I might have to watch it after all.
3. I want to see Omar Epps and Topher Grace film something together, just so I can write something about The Two Eric For(e)mans.
4. As much as Ghost Whisperer is a schmaltzy chick show, the episodes this season have been pretty interesting, especially when Jay Mohr shows up as a hyperactive college professor who studies the supernatural even though he doesn't believe a lick of it.
5. Speaking of Supernatural. If anyone's looking for a good scare, a few good scraps, psychic headaches, a really hot car and some badass evil entities, this is the show for you. Oh, and a special shoutout goes to all those teenage girls lusting after pretty boy stars (and fine actors) Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles. Without you watching (and padding the Nielsens), this show probably wouldn't have seen season two.
6. I've watched episodes of CSI, CSI:Miami, CSI:N.Y. and NCIS. I still say the one with the military, the misplaced letters and the markharmon is the best of the bunch.
7. Dear Oprah: Feel free to film an episode of your show in my town anytime you want. P.S. Bring me some cash. And maybe a car.
8. Hey, Warner Brothers: Jack & Bobby. Complete Series. DVD. When????
9. Of all the names you could give to a show, why would anyone name it Smith? With a name that not so interesting, no wonder it tanked.
10. Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip -- great pilot (Judd Hirsch should get an Emmy), but everything and/or everyone not named Matthew Perry has pretty much sucked. Especially Amanda Peet, she's just so miscast. It won't be missed.
11. I've kind of been digging Ugly Betty, even though it's not generally my cup of java. But America Ferrera is so endearing as Betty that it's so easy to cheer for this ugly duckling underdog. Then there's Vanessa Williams, who chews the scenery so hard she's going to need dentures.
12. I'm not usually happy that baseball season is over, but since it means that Dr. Gregory Cranky Pants is back in the House, maybe it's actually a good thing.
13. While we're on the subject of the tube, can it actually be called a tube anymore? Most TVs are LCD or plasma nowadays. Should we not be calling TV the crystal, or maybe the gas? I dunno.

Stay tuned...

2006-10-30T14:29:00.000-05:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) Cape fear -- is Bryan Singer the right person to direct another Superman film?
(Link) Brad's the Pitts -- an E! for Effort leads to trespass charges.
(Link) St. Louis is the most dangerous American city -- especially for Tigers.
(Link) Apocalypse now -- Meat Loaf's "Bat Out of Hell III" hits stores tomorrow.
(Link) The axeman cometh -- Studio 60 climbs onto the chopping block.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** Greg Kinnear's favourite NFL coach, Dick Vermeil, is 70
** Jefferson Airplane/Starship/Whatever vocalist Grace Slick is 67
** The original Captain Knauer, Ed Lauter is 66
** Leather afficionado and world famous shark jumper Henry Winkler is 62
** Eagles bass dude Timothy B. Schmit is 59
** Noted Titan clasher Harry Hamlin is 55
** Former Mrs. Major Dad and current MIA actress Shanna Reed is 50
** Possibly the only British actress not yet cast in a Harry Potter film, Juliet Stevenson is 50
** Former Argentine soccer star and controversy magnet Diego Maradona is 46
** Mr. Gwen Stefani, also known as Bush frontman Gavin Rossdale, is 41
** Canadian rap flash-in-the-pan Snow is 38
** Former Third Watcher Nia Long is 36
** The Donald's little girl, Ivanka Trump, is 24

SONG ON THE BRAIN
The incredibly Beatlesque "Bus Stop" by The Hollies (released in 1966 on Parlophone Records)

WHO SAID WHAT???
From Friday, October 27:

"This sucks! Christina gets sex and perks."

-- spoken by George O'Malley (as portrayed on Grey's Anatomy by T.R. Knight)

WHO WANTS TO TAKE THE FIRST SHOT?
What's that? Naomi Campbell's in trouble with the law? Again? For assaulting someone? AGAIN? Who'd she hit this time? Her drug counsellor? Is she stupid? Or was she on drugs? Why does this keep happening? Isn't it about time somebody pops her one back?

Stay tuned...

2006-10-27T16:28:00.002-04:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) Cowboys' coach claims he got a dead rat in a McDonald's salad -- other reports say Terrell Owens is alive and well.
(Link) Nicole Richie's re-learning how to eat -- thanks to her re-pal Paris, she's first learning how to swallow.
(Link) Michael J. Fox says he wasn't off drugs -- America says Rush Limbaugh was on drugs.
(Link) Dr. Burke says mea culpa -- Isaiah Washington takes ownership for Grey's testosterone dustup.
(Link) Britney's manchild says, "if you want to hate me, cool, hate me." You got it, shithead -- we hate you.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** Not just on One Day At A Time, but now living life as such, Nanette Fabray is 86
** Former Pittsburgh Pirates slugger Ralph Kiner is 84
** A very classy gal, Ruby Dee is 82
** Possibly the funniest man alive, John Cleese is 67
** Garry Tallent, AKA Bruce Springsteen's bass player, is 57
** Hyperactive Oscar winner Roberto Benigni is 54
** Cy Young winner with the '82 Brewers, Pete Vuckovich is 54
** The ultimate holographic Doctor, Robert Picardo is 53
** Duran Duran squealer Simon Le Bon is 48
** Marla Maples, Donald Trump's other other wife, is 43
** Ultra versatile and ultra stoned rock vocalist Scott Weiland is 39
** Former hockey hairbag Mike Ricci is 35
** Not currently playing in the World Series, Twins hurler Brad Radke is 34
** Cameron Crowe's much younger alter ego, Patrick Fugit, is 24
** Singer slash actress slash bratty Ozzy offspring Kelly Osbourne is 22

SONG ON THE BRAIN
The bittersweet "Moonshine" by Dennis Wilson (released in 1977 on CBS/Caribou Records)

WHO SAID WHAT???
"This sucks! Christina gets sex and perks."

-- spoken by ****** *'****** (as portrayed by *.*. ******)

CELEBRITY CRAPOLA
Mariah Carey issued a statement to the press today that said, despite media claims to the contrary, she does, in fact, wipe her own ass.

PAGING DR. PHIL
Say you're a tiger. You've got this reputation for being a real meat eater. All of the animals wet their lairs in fear of you. So how in the hell are you going to go back to the jungle in Detroit and explain to the other animals that you got your ass whupped by a little red bird?

Stay tuned...

2006-10-25T15:29:00.000-04:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link)Watching barely co-ordinated celebrities hoofing becomes new national pastime -- Dancing beats World Series.
(Link)This never happened to Tom -- Keith Urban checks into rehab.
(Link) "I'll take publishing royalties for $100, Alex" -- Ken Jennings does the book thang.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** Former baseball executive Lee MacPhail is still kicking at 89
** Don't tell Ralph Branca, but New York Giants' hero Bobby Thomson is 83
** Soap opera vet and member of The Facelift of the Month Club, Jeanne Cooper is 78
** We love you, Mrs. C -- actress Marion Ross is 78
** A world record holder in the chair toss, roundball bully Bobby Knight is 66
** She's still woman -- singer Helen Reddy is 65
** Still hitting the high notes, Yes vocalist Jon Anderson is 62
** Well known participant in a politically charged marriage, James Carville is 62
** Oh, to be tall and Irish -- former Celtics ace Dave Cowens is 58
** Captain of the Miracle on Ice, Mike Eruzione is 52
** She helped give us Aliens and a Terminator or two -- movie producer Gale Anne Hurd is 51
** Sister Steve lives! Tracy Nelson is 43
** The craziest Chandler Bing roommate ever, Adam Goldberg is 36
** Barenaked Ladies co-frontman Ed Robertson is 36
** Droolworthy country singer Chely Wright is 36
** Canadian singer (and a fave of mine) Tara MacLean is 33

WHO SAID WHAT???
From Monday, October 23:

"Now I know how Liza Minelli felt -- when she won the Oscar, not when she married that gay, pan-faced alien."

-- spoken by Elliot Reid (as portrayed on Scrubs by Sarah Chalke)

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"I've Been Waiting" by Matthew Sweet (released in 1982 on BMG Music)

HOLY CRAP, JACK!!!
I just watched the trailer for the new season of 24 that starts in January. I think I just soiled myself.

Stay tuned...

2006-10-23T15:12:00.000-04:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) Boning up -- Conan gets unfleshed for Halloween.
(Link) Father Knew Best, now Mother Can Rest -- Jane Wyatt moves on at 96.
(Link) A Brief History of Irreconcilable Differences -- Stephen Hawking's getting divorced.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** Ballsy former pitcher and current American Senator Jim Bunning is 75
** Novelist, movie director and guy with phonetically challenging last name, Michael Crichton is 64
** Movie director and gay cowboy activist Ang Lee is 52
** Twangy country dude and occasional actor Dwight Yoakam is 50
** One of my favourite movie directors, from way before Spiderman, Sam Raimi is 47
** Parody driven accordian genius Weird Al Yankovic is 47
** Dubbed America's midget by former America's Bigmouth Jim McMahon, Doug Flutie is 44
** Former well-travelled lefthander Al Leiter is 41
** Survivor of one hellacious race car crash, Alex Zanardi is 40
** Actor and on-again off-again paramour of Alanis "Screeching Harmonica" Morissette, Ryan Reynolds is 30

WHO SAID WHAT???
"Now I know how Liza Minelli felt -- when she won the Oscar, not when she married that gay, pan-faced alien."

-- spoken by ****** **** (as portrayed by ***** ******)

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"Subdivisions" by Rush (released in 1982 on Anthem Records)

THE BIG PLUNGE: TORCHWOOD
"You want to tell his family he died screwing an alien?"
-- Captain Jack Harkness, leader of Torchwood

So a new show debuted on the BBC yesterday with its first two of 13 episodes, but I'm in North America so I'm not supposed to have watched it and I'm not supposed to talk about it.

But I did and I'm going to, a little.

The show, as indicated above, is called Torchwood. For those not familiar with British science-fiction, it is a show about an underground (literally) "special ops" group that investigates the presence of aliens in the city of Cardiff, Wales.

For those familiar with British science fiction, then you already know this show to be a spin-off of Doctor Who, recently revived by the Beeb to awesome ratings and mostly excellent reviews.

While both are full of alien intrigue and a quirky character or two, what separates the pair is the target audience.

Doctor Who is aimed more at younger fans, while Torchwood is very much an adult show, filled with enough sex, violence and profanity to give the American Family Association's head fascist Donald Wildmon a f*cking coronary.

Which almost makes me wish it was airing in his living room right about now.

Stay tuned...

2006-10-20T16:18:00.000-04:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) It's 1968 all over again -- Tigers set to play some Cards.
(Link) George O'Malley's a man's man -- T.R. Knight comes out.
(Link) I see recovering people -- Haley Joel Osment does the "no contest" shuffle, gets time in A.A.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** Pulitzer Prize winner and one-time nemesis to Paramount Pictures, Art Buchwald is 81
** My favourite actor to play Father Mulcahy -- William Christopher is 74
** A real Heartbreaker, Tom Petty is 56
** No longer thirtsomething, Melanie Mayron is 54
** A partner in the Great Magic Loogey Conspiracy, Keith Hernandez is 53
** A true friend of the little people, Viggo Mortensen is 48
** What name is on his driver's license? Cordozar Calvin Broadus AKA Snoop Dogg is 32

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"Right Down the Line" by Gerry Rafferty (released in 1978 on EMI Records)

JOURNAL OF THE CLUELESS
Dear Diary,

Whassup?

WHO SAID WHAT???
From Wednesday, October 18:

"Wow, give you a couple of severed heads and a pile of dead cows and you're Mr. Sunshine."

-- spoken by Sam Winchester (as portrayed in Supernatural by Jared Padalecki)

THE BIG PLUNGE: IT'S SHOWTIME!
'Twas the night before game one, and all through the park, there was nobody nowhere, the place was all dark...

Well, DUH!

That 'lectricity stuff costs lots of dough, ya know. It wouldn't make much sense to turn on the lights 24 hours early. It's not like it's going to help the St. Louis Cardinals.

Uh, a couple of weeks ago I was boldly predicting the demise of the Detroit Tigers at the hands of the New York Yankees. Then I boldly told my brother-in-law that the Tigers were going to get spanked by the Oakland A's.

That's 0-for-2 if anyone's counting.

So how could I possibly go against the Tabbies a third time? The short answer is, I can't.

Besides, a look at the two teams would seem to indicate a Tiger triumph. Their starting pitching seems better, their bullpen is definitely better, the Tigers are rested and, thanks to the American League All-Stars, they have home field advantage.

The only advantage the Cardinals have is that their stadium is still under warranty.

So, I stand here a humbled man, bowing at the foot of the Temple Comerica, hoping and praying that I don't go 0-for-3.

Because a strikeout would be embarrassing. Go Tigers!

Stay tuned...

2006-10-18T16:49:00.000-04:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) Calling Sam Gerard -- Wesley Snipes goes on the lam from the Feds.
(Link) Donkey Spice Jr. -- Eddie and Mel B. build a nursery.
(Link) Wash or dry? Bill Murray does dishes at college party.
(Link) Sell the most KFed -- first prize is a party with Britney and her doof; second prize is a pair of smelly sneakers.
(Link) Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor time of death -- well, except for that last part.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** Johnny's still going goode -- Chuck Berry turns 80
** The always tactful (figure)head of the Barone clan, Peter Boyle is 71
** To hell with Ginger -- Mary Ann AKA Dawn Wells is 68
** Da Coach, Mike Ditka is 67
** The Masters' favourite pain in the ass, Martha Burk is 65
** Former Detroit Tiger bopper Willie Horton is 64
** Movie soundtrack tunesmith Howard Shore is 60
** An Orkan by tubular marriage, Pam Dawber is 55
** Finally done making a racket, Martina Navratilova is 50
** Forever Detroit's most popular Hitman, Thomas Hearns is 48
** Jean-Claude Van Damme, the ~~meathead~~ muscles from Brussels is 46
** A man that truly blows, Wynton Marsalis is 45
** Canadian speed demon Alex Tagliani is 34
** Disney Channel fave Zac Efron is 19

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"Walk Away Renee" by the Left Banke (released in 1967 on Smash Records)

WHO SAID WHAT???
"Wow, give you a couple of severed heads and a pile of dead cows and you're Mr. Sunshine."

-- spoken (just last week) by *** ********** (as portrayed by ***** *********)

Stay tuned...

2006-10-16T10:05:00.000-04:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) Ugly Betty's lookin' pretty good -- gets full season pick-up.
(Link) BAM! POW! -- Angie's goons rough up shutterbug.
(Link) No more Wasted Days and Wasted Nights -- adios, Freddy Fender.
(Link) Fascinating -- Star Trek auction pulls in a cool $7 million.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** JFletch is still kicking -- Angela Lansbury is 81
** Baseball big mouth Tim McCarver is 65
** Suzanne Somers and her well-mastered thighs are 60
** The King of Brain Melting Theatrical Spoofs, director David Zucker is 59
** Actor turned environmentalist and/or political whackjob Tim Robbins is 48
** From gridiron phenom to washed up in record time, Kordell "Slash" Stewart is 34
** The least predatory of the Nashville Predators, Paul Kariya is 32
** While seeking a little Clarity, singer-songwriter John Mayer has turned 29

WHO SAID WHAT???
From Friday, October 13:

"So I says, blue M&M, red M&M, they all wind up the same color in the end."

-- spoken by Homer Simpson

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"Good Souls" by Starsailor (released in 2001 on EMI Records)

CELEBRITY CRAPOLA
American President George W. Bush this morning strengthened the force fighting the war on terror in Iraq with the announcement that a special team of 55 young men with brutal fighting skills will be sent to the Middle East to scare insurgents into giving up the fight. The University of Miami Hurricanes football team leaves for Baghdad tomorrow morning.

Stay tuned...

2006-10-13T13:55:00.000-04:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) Scalpels at twenty paces -- Grey's Anatomy stars mix it up.
(Link) Liver and Let Dry -- Mel says he's been sober for a whopping 65 days.
(Link) How's that search going, eh? O.J. fights to keep himself.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** Actress Melinda Dillon, who played the greatest lesbian wife of a hotheaded hockey goaltender ever, is 67
** You can call him Al if you want, but either way singer-songwriter Paul Simon is 65
** Sammy Hagar, who may or may not be the lead singer of Van Halen (depending on which way the wind is blowing), is 59
** Chris Carter, who (for better or worse) gave the world The X-Files, is 50
** Marie Osmond, The Queen of Perky and owner of a worn out womb, is 47
** Kelly Preston, wife of a mad scientologist, is 44
** Jerry Rice, the greatest wide receiver OF ALL TIME, is 44
** San Diego Padre for life Trevor Hoffman is 39
** Nancy Kerrigan, president of the Tonya Harding fan club, is 37
** Somebody I'll always look up to, roundballer Jermaine O'Neal is 27
** Singer, actor (and chiropractor for all I know) Ashanti is 26
** Aussie swimmer extraordinaire Ian "Thorpedo" Thorpe is 24

WHAT'S A CONDOM?
Speaking of Marie Osmond, she comes from a rather large family -- nine kids, to be exact.

And it's a brood that's learned their lessons well from their parents. The Osmond Family Singers have, between them, 56 kids, an average of seven per Osmond (it's actually six point something, but who's counting). It must be real fun at the family reunions where all the cousins have to wear name tags to identify, not who they are, but who their parents are.

Wow. Fifty-six frickin' kids.

That's almost as many kids as there are in Canada!

WHO SAID WHAT???
"So I says, blue M&M, red M&M, they all wind up the same color in the end."

-- spoken by ***** *******

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"Metal" by Gary Numan (released in 1980 as the flipside to the mega-hit "Cars" on Beggars Banquet Records)

THE BIG PLUNGE: LIDLE THOUGHTS
Timing.

It bit me in the ass two days ago.

Who wasn't stunned when they turned on CNN (or whatever your news poison is) to see a burning building in New York with a report about a plane flying into it?

I know I went a little numb.

The memories of that horrible day were recently refreshed with the fifth anniversary, and here was another reminder, if not a possible recurrence.

But, thankfully, that wasn't the case.

That said, I registered a shudder when it was revealed that New York Yankees pitcher Cory Lidle had died in the crash. Part of it was because Lidle had pitched here in Toronto in 2003 (I was excited that the Jays got him because he had had three torrid second halves in a row with the Oakland A's). From reading and hearing interviews, he seemed like a real standup guy who didn't dine on his press clippings.

I was definitely saddened. As for that timing thing...

In my last posting I had given it good to the Bronx Bombers, saying all kinds of nasty (well, sarcastic) things about them. I thought about taking it down after the Lidle incident, but decided against it for a couple of reasons.

One, it wasn't about any one person, so it wasn't really personal. And two, who really reads this page nowadays anyway?

I figured I could take my lumps from the four people who check in on a daily basis.

None were forthcoming, I was safe and home free. Sure wish I could say the same for Cory Lidle.

Rest in peace, dude.

Stay tuned...

2006-10-11T16:04:00.000-04:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) The Simple Strife is over -- Paris and Nicole share a brain once again.
(Link) Show me the money!!! Googly-eyed runaway bride sues ex for her cut.
(Link) Madonna reportedly adopts young African boy -- I want to be adopted next.
(Link) Scarlett says she's not a dirty slut -- the twice-yearly clean HIV tests prove it. Nyah!
(Link) Oy vey! Babs tells heckler to shut the f*ck up.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** The always appreciated but terribly underrated actor David Morse is 53.
** Steve Young, one of the toughest quarterbacks to ever play the game, is 45
** Nicola Bryant, the whiniest Doctor Who companion with the hottest bod, is 44
** Joan Cusack, big sister to the most excellent actor John, is 44
** No longer Young Indiana Jones, especially the young part, Sean Patrick Flanery is 41
** Luke Perry, who spent an eternity in high school, is 41
** Just in time for tonight's premiere of 30 Rock, Jane Krakowski is 38
** More than just the sum of her Bones, Emily "Not Zooey" Deschanel is 30
** Buffy babe Michelle Trachtenberg is 21
** The uber-hyped Michelle Wie, who has yet to become Michelle Win, is 17

WHO SAID WHAT???
From Friday, October 6:

"I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to old Virginny, I'll even hari-kari if you show me how. But I will not carry a gun!"

-- spoken by the 4077th's Hawkeye Pierce (AKA Alan Alda)

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"Sub Rosa Speedway" by Klaatu (released in 1973 on GRT Records)

THE BIG PLUNGE: PINNED STRIPES
Aw, it's always fun to see a bully taken down.

Okay, maybe bully isn't quite the right word. Although outspending most teams by more than a two to one margin can't exactly be called playing fair.

Under such circumstances, there's no denying the pleasure most baseball fans feel at seeing the hated New York Yankees deprived of post-season glory.

They make the playoffs year after year, mostly on the backs of superstar players who've got their own personal Brinks trucks on standby.

Let's see how the Yanks would do by spending only half as much. They'd still be competitive because their farm system is fertile. But it would make things more challenging (and, one would think, rewarding) for them to win a World Series.

On the other hand, the status quo can be fun, too. It's awfully entertaining watching all these Yankee egos (and the egos of some of their more obnoxious fans) implode on a yearly basis.

Stay tuned...

2006-10-09T19:30:00.000-04:00

TURKEY TELEGRAM
According to the calendar, today is Thanksgiving in Canada.

STOP

I'm currently unavailable due to gorging of unhealthy amounts of deliciously prepared dead bird.

STOP

I hope to recover in time to continue operations on Wednesday.

STOP

If you're thinking of offering me more food...

STOP!!!

Stay tuned...

2006-10-06T16:54:00.000-04:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) Eva Longoria considers changing name to Lindsay Lohan -- injured on set of Desperate Housewives, again.
(Link) Too outrageous for Law & Order -- Basinger and Baldwin (but mostly Basinger) add another episode to their never-ending saga.
(Link) "And here's your host, T.J Dennykirk!" -- Bill Shatner goes all Bob Barker on us.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** Ellen Travolta, sister to a mad scientologist, is 66
** Britt Ekland, who played the dopiest Bond girl ever, is 64
** CBS honcho Les Moonves, who has a special place on David Letterman's dart board, is 57
** Sci-fi writer David Brin (who gave us The Postman before Kevin Costner gave us The Postman, based on a David Brin novel) is 56
** Hottie or not (I can never decide) Elisabeth Shue is 43
** Gymnast turned actor slash musician (like, when does she sleep?) Amy Jo Johnson is 36
** Former New York Liberty beanpole Rebecca Lobo is 33
** Taylor Hicks, who (unfortunately) needs no introduction, is 30

WHO SAID WHAT???
"I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to old Virginny, I'll even hari-kari if you show me how. But I will not carry a gun!"

-- spoken by ******* ******

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"Cosmetics" by Gowan, currently known as Lawrence Gowan of Styx (released in 1985 on CBS Records)

IT JUST HAS TO BE SAID
She must be a really great cook, or chef, or whatever because as a talk show host she's more annoying than the sound of fingernails on a blackboard remixed and remastered. I would be talking, of course, about the Sauteeing Smurfette that is Rachael Ray.

Stay tuned...

2006-10-04T16:03:00.002-04:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) Jaime Pressly is Jaime Preggers, but will Darnell the Crab Man find any Joy in this?
(Link) Colt or filly? Tori Spelling's got one in the oven, too.
(Link) George Michael is found slumped over in his car -- no word on whose lap his head was found in.
(Link) Everybody has an axe to grind -- Audioslave guitarist arrested during social protest.
(Link) Emma Watson may drop out of Hogwarts to try other things -- or maybe she wants a bigger slice of magic pie. Who knows...

WHO SAID WHAT???
From Monday, October 2:

"The only reason she keeps me alive is to open jars and kill bugs."

-- spoken by Ray Barone (or Ray Romano -- either way the asterisks fit)

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** Charlton Heston is 82 -- if only he looked as young
** Tony LaRussa, the most over-rated baseball manager of my generation, is 62
** Susan Sarandon and her bodacious ta-tas (assuming they're real, of course) are 60
** Armand Assante, who once played Dapper Don Gotti, is 57
** Alicia Silverstone, who I've finally let off the hook for that whole Batgirl thing, is 30
** Rachael Leigh Cook, who I couldn't slander if I tried, is 27

CELEBRITY CRAPOLA
There's a rumour floating about the publishing world that Donald Trump is about to put out a book explaining how he got rich and how he manages to maintain his wealth. Spokespeople for The Donald won't comment, but the buzz is that the book essentially breaks Trump's monetary success into two parts: never spend any money on your hair and get a massively overblown book deal to talk about it.

SONG ON THE BRAIN
The hauntingly beautiful "Time" by the Alan Parsons Project (released in 1980 on Arista Records)

THE BIG PLUNGE: HEADS OR TAILS
Today begins another hockey season.

Wow, that was so bland. It's not nearly as neat sounding as this time last year when I was saying, "welcome back, assholes!" But then time heals all wounds.

After watching some exciting stuff last year, post-lockout, I finally bought into why the National Hockey League shut down the game. Sure, a huge part of it was about money. I mean, when isn't it?

But the bigwigs that run the NHL, including chief bigwig Gary Bettman (who ain't that big when a runt like me stands next to him) wanted to fix the game, which had become boring and not so major league in the way it was being played.

The riff-raff had taken over, turning the game into a slow clutch and grabfest that cured even the worst insomnia.

But last year the rules changed and the game was given back to the guys who put the puck in the net.

Unfortunately, though, the bigwigs went too far. They also gave us the shootout.

This I have bitched about before (here and here). But it's been awhile, so here goes.

Guys, lose the shootout. It's a pimple on the game that totally destroys the team element. The players bust their asses for 65 minutes, then settle things by basically taking turns calling a coin toss.

It may be fun for the fans, but shootouts cheapen the game far more than the clutch and grab love-in that preceeded it.

Or...

If you must insist on keeping this mini freak show, at least change the points system so that each game is worth three points, instead of two. This way, if the game is won in a shootout, the winners get two and the suckers who can't shoot get one.

It will take the "I" out of team where it doesn't belong, and put it back in integrity where it does.

Stay tuned...

2006-10-02T00:12:00.002-04:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) Chucky Sheen gets a biiiig raise -- Denise Richards phones her lawyer hoping for same.
(Link) Men from all over claim they're the father of Anna Nicole's baby -- even if they can't remember what she looks like after all the plastic surgery.
(Link) Avril fails saliva test -- apologizes to soggy media.

WHO SAID WHAT???
"The only reason she keeps me alive is to open jars and kill bugs."

-- spoken by *** ******

CELEBRITY CRAPOLA
Five Lindsay Lohan injuries that haven't been printed in the tabloids (yet):

5. Sprains ankle while trying to stomp out a bag of burning dog turds left on her doorstep by movie exec James G. Robinson.
4. Is resuscitated by paramedics after nearly drowning while trying to shotgun a keg of beer.
3. Suffers black eye when wayward boob pops out of her dress.
2. Develops temporary blindness after viewing Dustin Diamond sex tape.
1. Receives treatment for burns at a Los Angeles hospital after inadvertently confusing her curling iron for a vibrator.

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"Go to Pieces" by Paul Janz (released in 1985 on A&M Records)

THE BIG PLUNGE: WHAT GOES AROUND...
Yes, folks -- I'm back. For those of you who have stuck around long enough to put up with my periods of inactivity, you will be justly rewarded. I have fifty shares of Enron stock for each of you.

Sorry, it's the best I could come up with. I couldn't find any toilet paper.

So, what's happening around here, you ask? Things are going to be a little different. I will now be publishing every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. This will inspire me to be more regular, 'cause lord knows all the fibre in my diet ain't working.

Each day will include semi-regular stuff like mystery quotes (guess the speaker, dead or alive, real or fictional), CELEBRITY CRAPOLA (ripped from the headlines stuff, tweaked by a madman) and other yet to be determined oddities. There will also be regular stuff, such as a few current headlines (aka NEWSFLUSHES), twisted in ways that only I can, and something I call THE BIG PLUNGE (which you're reading right now). This is an actual blog entry that will usually be pop culture related, but every now and then I'll drift into something different.

Which reminds me...

I went grocery shopping yesterday, which is not so unusual. People do it every day, unless you're Nicole Richie, in which case twice yearly will probably do it.

So there I am, in the deli, picking up some kielbasa because I've always wanted to hold my sausage in a public place, you know, just to see people's reactions.

After the kielbasa I make my way around the store, picking up my necessities of life, as well as a few necessities of wife. Finally, after cursing out the store because they have no whole wheat crackers, I saunter up to cash number 10. The lady doing the scanning tells me that I might want to go to a different cash, since she's closed. I tell her that she might want to turn off her damn light, since it's making a liar out of her.

I then trip on down to cash number 8 where, luckily, I don't get rejected like a Star Trek fan asking a cheerleader to the prom. The gal there seems a bit down, like her homework ate her dog or something. But not my problem, thinks I to myself. Finally, after what seems like an eternity, she gets to the kielbasa. She picks it up, gives it a good going over, then she tells me that there's no barcode or price on it -- like I'm supposed to have these things memorized. So I says, "sorry, honey. I just buy 'em, I don't price 'em. By the way, go easy on my sausage, it bruises easily."

BA-DUM-BUM!

After the dirtiest look I've received in what has to be days, I pay up and leave.

And head for the liquor store. Which is closed. Because it's only 10:00AM. On a Sunday. In Ontario.

I wasn't laughing. But I'm pretty sure I heard somebody chuckling.

Stay tuned...

COMING SOON...

2006-09-18T15:54:00.000-04:00

...A new and improved Poop'D Culture.

I have no idea what "new and improved" is supposed to mean. It's not like new Tide, which is supposed to be a huge improvement over old Tide. Which makes the Tide guys liars when they were hyping old Tide as the world's miracle detergent. I mean, if there was nothing wrong with it, why the hell did it need fixing?

Things around here, however, are in need of, uh, something. I don't know exactly what. More posts would probably help, and the new version of this place will have more content.

I don't want to shut things down, I've just been, ya know, busy.

Doing my laundry.

With old Tide.

Ahem.

I will return in a couple of weeks with a brand new look and a different way of operating.

Stay tuned...

THE DOCTOR IS IN

2006-09-05T16:40:00.000-04:00

He's terminally miserable, downright rude, condescending, sexist, possibly racist and generally a gigantic pain in the ass.

Gawd, how I've missed this guy.

Stay tuned...

EMMY FUHRER

2006-09-03T13:14:00.000-04:00

Ya gotta love those fascist yahoos that call themselves the Parents Television Council.

According to this, they've started waving their little red, white and black flags again after Helen Mirren and Callista Flockhart used the words "ass" (EGAD!) and "tit" (HEAVENS!) during the recent Emmy Awards. The PTC argument is that such vulgarity shouldn't be allowed before 10PM, and that the Emmy's had a viewing audience that included millions of children. That claim alone blows what little credibility the PTC has.

Let's face it, you can't get adults to watch the Emmy snoozefest -- just how the hell (oops, I mean heck) are you gonna get the wee-uns to tune in?

In any case, I think I need to set the record straight.

For one, Ms. Mirren, I respect both your tits and your ass, wrinkled though they may be. Two, Ms. Flockhart, have a sandwich or two and maybe you'll find your cleavage -- plus your bony ass won't be slicing up Indiana. And finally, for the record, I think the Parents Television Council is sending its protest energy in the wrong direction.

These nimrods are so uptight about everything that what they really should be protesting is laxatives.

Stay tuned...

THEY SAID THAT, PART XIII

2006-08-29T14:34:00.000-04:00

Finally, a computer that works.

Last week my good friend Hewlett P. Ackard came down with something. He was no longer functioning. After a couple of mis-diagnoses, the problem was finally solved yesterday.

Today he's back in the pink, although his memory isn't quite what it used to be. But then that'll happen to all of us sooner or later.

I think.

Um, here are the (long overdue) answers to the most recent movie quote quiz:

1) "You don't walk out on me. I walk out on you."
DONNIE BRASCO (1997): Gangster Lefty Ruggiero (Al Pacino) lays out one of his ground rules.

2) "At least he's not a book burner, you Nazi cow!"
FIELD OF DREAMS (1989): Annie Kinsella (Amy Madigan) defends her husband's honour in the most diplomatic way possible.

3) "You're such a pillowcase."
HEATHERS (1989): While leading scientists try to determine whether she has a heart, one of the Heathers, AKA Heather Chandler (the late Kim Walker), shifts into put-down mode.

4) "Great Train Robbery, eh? How's that going?"
HELP! (1965): The famous Beatles enlist the assistance of a member of Scotland Yard to help protect Ringo from from being "slaughtered jolly, with a knife" by an Eastern cult. Said Yardie doesn't think much of the band, so John plays a little game of tit for tat.

5) "It's not good, unless you want to give your ass a facial."
UNDER THE TUSCAN SUN (2003): Patti (Sandra Oh) makes fun of the plumbing problems of her good friend Frances (Diane Lane).

6) "An angel does not make love, an angel is love."
BARBARELLA (1968): Possibly because he's hoping to get into Jane Fonda's catsuit, the angel Pygar (John Phillip Law) goes into full Socrates mode. Again, and again, and again...

7) "The dirty old whore told me to do it!"
SLACKERS (2002): (Not So) Cool Ethan (Jason Schwartzman) tries to explain his actions after giving an ill-advised chest massage to a pair of double-D's.

8) "You know what the hardest part about being you is? Pretending to be so bad in bed."
THE SAINT (1997): Master of disguise Simon Templar (Val Kilmer) gets a shot in at an adversary before quickly disappearing back into the masses.

9) "Plenty of guys have broken up with me. You just beat them up and move on."
MISS CONGENIALITY 2: ARMED AND FABULOUS (2005): FBI Agent Sam Fuller (Regina King) counsels fellow Fed Gracie Hart (Sandra Bullock) on her love life.

10) "Well, he f*cks like he pitches... sort of all over the place."
BULL DURHAM (1988): Self-proclaimed non-piece of ass Millie (Jenny Robertson) gives her scouting report on raw rookie Ebby Calvin "Nuke" LaLoosh (Tim Robbins).

Stay tuned...

HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM...

2006-08-23T14:19:00.000-04:00

About those movie quotes, uh, answers are forthcoming. Unfortunately, my computer is currently misbehaving (out of freak necessity it is being completely reformatted -- suffice to say it's not going quietly).

I'm currently on a backup that's slower than Paris Hilton during a brainstorming session. Be back ASAP.

Stay tuned...

WHO SAID THAT? PART XIII

2006-08-16T17:45:00.000-04:00

It's time (or so it would seem) for my weekly post. When did this place become a "weekly," anyway? They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. That's true. Lazy would also be in the eye of the beholder, but I can't be bothered to do any beholding. Which, I suppose, also means that I'm not all that pretty.

But enough of that.

A quick moment to salute Mr. Bruno Kirby, an underrated actor if ever there was one. Bruno is no longer with us after succumbing to leukemia. Those who need a refresher in his talent should watch (in no particular order) Good Morning Vietnam, The Freshman, City Slickers, When Harry Met Sally and Donnie Brasco.

Speaking of the cinema, here are some movie quotes to keep you busy:

1) "You don't walk out on me. I walk out on you."

2) "At least he's not a book burner, you Nazi cow!"

3) "You're such a pillowcase."

4) "Great Train Robbery, eh? How's that going?"

5) "It's not good, unless you want to give your ass a facial."

6) "An angel does not make love, an angel is love."

7) "The dirty old whore told me to do it!"

8) "You know what the hardest part about being you is? Pretending to be so bad in bed."

9) "Plenty of guys have broken up with me. You just beat them up and move on."

10) "Well, he f*cks like he pitches... sort of all over the place."

Same old rulez -- name the flick and (if you have the courage) the speaker of the quote.

Stay tuned...

DEEP THOTTS

2006-08-09T13:44:00.000-04:00

Man, summer sure is going fast. Days become weeks and before you know it you've neglected your web page. I'm so ashamed.

Anyhoo, it would seem that I've had some time to think. A normal person would be thinking of smart stuff, but then I'm no Alfred Einstein. Here's what's been roaming around my untellect for the last little while:

* If a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, what's a hand in the bush worth?

* If it ain't over 'til the fat lady sings, what happens if she has laryngitis?

* If a bear shits in the woods and there's nobody around, does that mean it stinks? And if so, who's going to be brave enough to go back and tell the bear?

* If one goose is a goose, and two are geese, why aren't two moose meese?

* Shouldn't there be telemarketers on the starship Enterprise?

* If a dog licks its crotch because it can, what would it lick if it couldn't?

* If a little Dutch girl puts her finger in the dike does that make her a lesbian?

* If mountaineers climb mountains how come engineers don't climb engines?

* Do people pay for plastic surgery with a credit card?

* If a Ghostbuster gets busted, who's he gonna call?

* If Michael Jackson gets in touch with his inner child, should he be charged? More importantly, does he beat it?

* Is it true that "polident" is the latin word for beating the snot out of a parrot?

* If she'll be coming around the mountain when she comes, how is she going to travel when she goes?

* Do psychics invest in futures?

* If 1 and 1 is 2, and 2 and 2 is 4, shouldn't 3 and 3 be 8?

* If I had a life what would it be worth?

Stay tuned...

Honest...

I'M BACK...

2006-07-30T13:11:00.000-04:00

...and I have some more questions:

For David Copperfield...
Do you ever think inside the box?

For Barry Bonds...
Nervous?

For Haley Joel Osment...
How's the offroading going?

For Floyd Landis...
How you gonna climb this mountain?

For Oprah...
Read any good books lately?

For Danica Patrick...
How do you reach the pedals?

For David Hasselhoff...
Are you as think as I drunk you are?

For Lance Bass...
Did you actually expect us to be shocked?

For Jennifer Love Hewitt...
How's gravity treating you?

For Jack Bauer...
Do you like chow mein?

For J.J. Abrams...
Do you know how to boldly go?

For Pamela Anderson...
Is your video camera battery charged?

For Mel Gibson...
Would you step out of the car, please?

For Richard Hatch...
Is the soap slippery?

Stay tuned...

NO, I HAVENT BEEN TERMINATED...

2006-07-17T11:25:00.000-04:00

"I'll be Bach."

I could never understand what that Schwarzeneggar guy mean't by that, but it sounds good to me. See ya next Sunday.

Stay tuned...

SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 2.17

2006-07-09T22:00:00.000-04:00

(DISCLAIMER: May the Farce be with you.)

Recently, in the news:

** Minor league baseball manager Joe Mikulik had a meltdown of Billy Martin proportions recently after a close call went against his Asheville Tourists in a game against the Lexington Legends. Mikulik stormed the field to argue with the umpire, only to be thrown out of the game moments later. He then went all Earl Weaver on the umps, abusing bases, home plate and nearly decapitating a batboy. When asked about the incident, Mikulik said he was off his psychiatric medication. Because of this, the league suspended Mikulik five games and made him an honorary Scientologist.

** Ashlee Simpson has reappeared in public after having plastic surgery to have her nose shortened an inch or two. After being accused by some music critics of being even more superficial than was thought possible, Ashlee struck back, saying. "just because I've had the size of my nose reduced a whole lot doesn't make me any less of a person."

** A male streaker hit the court during a women's match at Wimbledon last week, causing Maria Sharapova to turn away in embarrassment. The naked man was given a little time to display his assets, but security soon stepped in and roughly ejected him from the premises once it was discovered that he wasn't wearing white socks.

** Russell Crowe became a father for the second time with the birth of Tennyson Spencer Crowe this past week. Knowing the actor's penchant for physically abusing the press with telecommunications equipment, members of the American press filed a restraining order against Crowe, forcing him to announce the birth using old-fashioned Morse code.

** After witnessing the Independence Day launch of the space shuttle Discovery, Boyfriend of the Month Club member Paris Hilton has decided that she wants to be the next space tourist. When asked what inspired her to take a giant leap for mankind, Hilton said, "I've always wanted to ride the big one."

** Ashley Judd has lashed out at reporters who have suggested she's anorexic or bulimic. The incredibly shrinking Judd, who looks like a Royal Doulton figurine when standing next to heavy-set sister Wynonna, said, "just because I throw up three times a day doesn't mean I have an eating disorder."

** Britney Spears, who recently confirmed to the world for the second time that there is nothing wrong with her ovaries, is taking it off for the August cover of Harper's Bazaar magazine. Originally hubby Kevin Federline was going to appear clean shaven and properly groomed on the cover of GQ, but the couple decided to opt for something less shocking.

Stay tuned...

FUNG-ASS

2006-07-07T09:59:00.000-04:00

I like mushrooms, but sometimes they just taste like shit

Stay tuned...

I HAVE SOME QUESTIONS

2006-07-01T23:31:00.000-04:00

For Dear Abby...
Do you get fan mail?

For Spongebob...
Do those pants cause chafing?

For Warren Buffett?
Can I have some?

For English soccer fans?
Is that the tallest bridge you can find?

For Star Jones?
What's next?

For David Hasselhoff...
Can I give you a hand?

For Paris Hilton...
Are the shots clearing things up?

For Bob Barker...
Do you ever miss the dinosaurs?

For Britney Spears...
Can I buy your man a vasectomy?

For Brandon Routh...
Is that thing real?

For Jimmy Hoffa...
Where the Hell are you?

For Brett Myers?
How do you spell HALF?

For Lindsay Lohan...
Do those things spill out of your shirt on command?

For Michelle Rodriguez?
Est-ce que je peux voir votre permis et enregistrement, sil vous plait?

Stay tuned...

SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 2.16

2006-06-25T19:54:00.000-04:00

(DISCLAIMER: May the Farce be with you.)

Recently, in the news:

** Somewhat waifish Brittany Murphy has been cast as the pixie Tinker Bell by Disney in a direct to video release called, oddly enough, Tinker Bell. The film will primarily be computer animated, but to save costs Murphy herself will appear in the film, after having been shrunk down to size by a recently recovered ray gun originally used in Honey, I Shrunk the Kids.

** Canadian music channel Muchmusic recently held its video awards, with the channel bringing the bubblehead twosome of Paris Hilton and Tori Spelling north to host the event. When asked about the curious choice of Spelling and Hilton to emcee things, a Much spokesperson said "the last few shows have been stinkers. We're just trying to air out the joint."

** With the release of his latest film, Click, Adam Sandler has once again stated to the world that, despite rumours to the contrary, he is not related to, in love with, or addicted to Rob Schneider.

** Charlie Sheen, fresh off a restraining order from soon-to be ex-wife Denise Richards, is in trouble with new girlfriend Brooke Mueller after claiming that the World Cup is the most overrated event next to the B-Cup Wet T-Shirt competition at the local strip bar. Said Charlie, "I didn't mean to offend her. I mean, I had no idea she was such a big soccer fan."

** American congressman William Jefferson, facing bribery and corruption charges after the FBI found almost $100,000 hidden in his freezer, is claiming the whole thing is being blown out of proportion. Said the con... gressman, "I stop just short of being a certain William Jefferson Clinton, and look at what he got away with."

** A spokesperson for Hostess is denying a report that the company is moving its production of Twinkies, the eternally popular white sponge cake with the vanilla filling, from Chicago to Montgomery, Alabama. The rumoured move hit the news last week, along with a report that the snack will be rechristened "Cake! Cake! Cake!"

Stay tuned...

INTRODUCING...

2006-06-22T23:07:00.000-04:00

My new friend

Stay tuned...

SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 2.15

2006-06-18T21:28:00.000-04:00

(DISCLAIMER: May the Farce be with you.)

Recently, in the news:

** Britney Spears, citing a need to get away from it all, is pondering the idea of having her second child born in Namibia, a la Angelina Jolie. When asked whether husband Kevin Federline would accompany her, a spokesperson for Spears said "no. He's 'it all.'"

** A report that Dan Rather will be leaving CBS has been confirmed by a spokesperson. Rather recently left his anchor position, taking a spot with the eye network's 60 Minutes, a gig he apparently wasn't supposed to get. Said the spokesperson, "when Dan left the anchor desk he thought we said he could have 60 Minutes. But in actual fact, we gave him 60 minutes to gather his things and get the hell out."

** Reports that Pamela Anderson has once again upsized to bigger breast implants have been denied by an Anderson spokesperson, despite a leaked 911 call that has the top-heavy Anderson stuck to the floor while tearily screaming "I've fallen and I can't get up!"

** After making a go of things as an amateur porn star and a b-movie actress, Paris Hilton is going to give it a go as a pop star, with her first CD due in stores at the end of July. In other news, the price of oil is nearing record highs, the American dollar continues to stumble and earplugs are now going for $457 a pair.

Stay tuned...

I DON'T GET IT...

2006-06-15T15:17:00.000-04:00

The World Cup of Soccer, er, I mean Football, is upon us and billions of fans have turned into territorial, ravenous pack wolves.

You see it on the streets everyday. Horns are honking, hands are waving and everybody's car is an import, regardless of make, thanks to a liberal peppering of foreign flags hanging from just about every other vehicle.

The mantra of these semi-mad folk is "don't mess with our team, or else pay the consequences," which range anywhere from name calling to a nice permanent spot under a shade tree, complete with complimentary pine box.

Of course, things are a little tamer on the top-left side of the home orb, where the word "nil" is used more as a description of Paris Hilton's intelligence than as a score (or lack thereof) on the soccer pitch.

That's not to say we North Americans don't get rabid about sports. North North Americans (AKA Canadians) rank hockey just behind family and slightly ahead of religion.

The other North Americans are South North Americans, which became such a mouthful that it got shortened to just plain old Americans. They go rabid over football (the one that gets held in the hands and only occasionally kicked), baseball, basketball and something odd they call "nasskarr."

But soccer? Nuh-uh.

You see, when we watch our sports we like things to, you know, happen. We want points. We want runs. And we want goals.

The only points in soccer are the ones the judges award to the divers for artistic merit. The runs are taken care of through careful ingestation of Pepto Bismol. And goals, well, they're almost as difficult to come by as the remains of one James Hoffa.

Soccer is the only game where ninety minutes pass and a ton of stuff almost happens.

It's nearly an unsport. That's not to say it's not athletic. But then fleeing the cops on foot takes athleticism, but you don't see it in the Olympics, now do ya?

And don't even get me started on settling a game with penalty kicks!

Okay, get me started.

Simply put, it's stupid. Many soccer fans will say that baseball's stupid. But they don't settle baseball games with a home run derby, do they?

Soccer. Sheesh.

I don't think I'll ever get it.

Stay tuned...

SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 2.14

2006-06-11T16:45:00.000-04:00

(DISCLAIMER: May the Farce be with you.)

Recently, in the news:

** There are reports that Jennifer Aniston became sick upon hearing of the birth of Shiloh Nouvel Pitt-Jolie, ex-hubby Brad Pitt's new offspring with Angelina Jolie. But it turns out that she just got dizzy while trying to wrap her tongue around the little tyke's full name.

** Anna Nicole Smith has announced that she's pregnant. An unnamed 86 year-old oil tycoon from San Antonio with more money than his senility can count has denied that he's the father.

** In an interview with Barbara Walters, Lindsay Lohan denied that she's undergoing hypnosis for being a shopoholic. The interview ended prematurely, however, after Walters snapped her fingers and Lohan began to bark like a dog and lick herself.

** Newly crowned American Idol Taylor Hicks has signed a recording contract, with his first single to be a cover of Glass Tiger's "Don't Forget Me (When I'm Gone)."

** In a poll of 500 male moviegoers, Ursula Andress was named the best Bond girl. In a secondary poll, Denise Richards and Tanya Roberts were tied for the worst Bond girl that most guys would like to nail anyway.

** Barry Bonds recently hit his 715th home run to pass Babe Ruth on the all-time list. The fan who caught the ball made a circus-like catch, jumping from the upper deck and landing on his feet. He was immediately rushed away by Major League Baseball to be tested for steroids.

** In an interview with Entertainment Tonight, Liz Taylor denied she has Alzheimer's. Five minutes later, while talking to the same reporter, she denied being inteviewed by Entertainment Tonight.

** In a stunning development, semi-pornographic pictures of Paul McCartney's estranged wife have been unearthed by the press. In response to this latest bout of bad publicity, Heather Mills McCartney went on Larry King to protest the beaver hunt.

** George W. Bush celebrated into the wee hours of the morning after coalition forces finally located and killed al-Zarqawi. A spokesperson said that Bush hasn't been this excited since he defeated the liberal infidel al-Gore.

Stay tuned...

SHIFTING PRIORITIES...

2006-06-08T15:56:00.000-04:00

Now that mighty America has finally taken care of that inhumane, rat bastard, country killing, sonofabitch al-Zarqawi, do you think they can now turn their priorities on dealing with that inhumane, rat~~bastard~~tyhaired, country, ~~sonofa~~bitch Annie "Has Anyone Seen My Heart" Coulter?

Just a thought.

Stay tuned...

TWO JACKS, SOME WAITING

2006-06-02T16:23:00.000-04:00

(WATCH OUT! THERE'S SPOILERS ABOUT.)

God bless steel-toed shoes. Thems patio stones is heavy.

Ahem.

Anyway, I'm finally taking a little bit of time to reflect on the end of another TV season. I touched a little on some of this recently the last time I went Channel Surfing.

At that time, two of the year's biggest season finales had yet to air -- the Two Jacks weren't done yet.

In Los Angeles, Jack Bauer had thwarted yet another terrorist incursion. Usually such thwarting is saved for the finale, but on this day (and it's always a DAY on 24) the world was saved one hour early. This left the last hour for Bauer to go after the most powerful man in the world, AKA United States President Charles Logan, who took time out from his reign as Richard Nixon Look-Alike Contest champion to wreak havoc on the good folks of the left coast.

It looked like Logan was going to get away with his scheme, which involved the assassination of former President David Palmer, the attempted assassination of Russian President Subarov and a terrorist crisis of Logan's creation, seemingly created so that he could save the day and secure some hallowed space in the ol' history books.

The day may have been saved, but thanks to Bauer and the Counter Terrorist Unit, Logan's Presidential legacy fell victim to the workings of a poison pen. Of sorts. Sometimes it's just best to keep one's mouth shut when writing utensils are hanging about.

As for Jack, he ended the season on a slow boat to China after being snagged by Chinese agents intent on bringing Bauer to "justice" for his actions in the Chinese Consulate back in season four. Hmmm.

Mystery to be solved in January 2007.

Meanwhile, back on Gilligan's Island...

Well, who the hell knows what's happening on Lost. The other Jack (the one not named Bauer, although he's not one of The Others -- yes, it's confusing) and a few of his friends (let's call them Kate, Sawyer and Hurley) were led into a trap by former friend Michael, who would do anything to retrieve his son, Walt, who was abducted by The Others at the end of the first season.

Then there's the return of Desmond to his hatch, in which Mr. Eko had set up shop to continue the punching of the button every 108 minutes. John Locke was convinced that the button had no purpose, and barricaded himself in the hatch with Eko on the outside -- so that he could let the countdown run out. Run out it did, causing an electromagnetic meltdown. This, along with the excluded Mr. Eko trying to blast his way inside with some dynamite, caused some, uh, problems.

The meltdown abated, thanks to some key work by the mysterious Desmond, but viewers were left hanging. What has become of Desmond, Eko and Locke?

The answers to this and many other questions are sure to be supplied (or not supplied) come November, when Lost returns for season three, which will be less about the characters we've come to know and scratch our heads over, and more about the mysterious Others (or Hostiles, as other non-Others are known to have called them -- yes, it's really confusing).

As long as the story moves and remains intriguing, then Lost should continue to remain one of the best shows on television.

Or...

It will crumble under the weight of its ever-growing pile of loose plot threads and spiral into the abyss of TV after thoughts.

We shall see.

Stay tuned...

M.I.A. DUE TO P.I.P.

2006-05-28T21:58:00.000-04:00

Coming soon to a theatre near you...

"THE INVISIBLE MAN"

Starring...

Um... me.

Okay, so I've made myself scarce -- I have a good excuse.

I've been a little busy tossing around limestone and patio stones in the ol' back yard. This, coupled with my extremely busy work schedule -- which occasionally also involves tossing around limestone and patio stones -- has left me with a shortage of both time and energy.

But I will weigh in on a couple of things this week, most notably the season finales involving a couple of Jacks. And I may or may not come up with 715 reasons to hate Barry Bonds.

Until then.

Stay tuned...

CHANNEL SURFING

2006-05-20T10:43:00.000-04:00

(CAUTION: The following may contain the very minorest of spoilerage. Readeth at own riskage.)

1) So The CW has decided that the series finale of 7th Heaven sucked, or something... so they're bringing it back for an eleventh season. Which makes it 11th Heaven, I guess.

2) Speaking of The CW, the new network has finally released its logo. The name of the six year-old who designed it has not been released.

3) I'm flippin' through and I come across television's answer to disco, AKA The Jerry Springer Show. You remember disco, right? A fad that was so popular, and yet it took the pulling of teeth to get anyone to admit they liked it. Jerry's show is the same thing. Now, I can handle listening to the Bee Gees (don't tell anyone), but I'd rather soil my shorts and sit in it than watch five minutes of Jerry. Thank goodness I changed the channel after only ten seconds. But what a ten seconds -- two trailer park hags (combined weight approximately 200 pounds) getting into a scrap, with about three "security" guys (did I say guys? I mean't NFL linemen -- combined weight approximately 950 pounds) struggling to pull them apart. That's right -- struggling. I may be going out on a limb here, but I think that show's fixed.

4) I finally saw the highlights for this year's Kentucky Derby. Man, that Barbaro can really run. But it would have been a much more interesting race had Tori Spelling not been scratched so she could run off and get married.

5) I am sitting on downloaded copies of the last two episodes of the first season of Supernatural. I don't know if I've said it before, but I'll say it (again?) anyway -- this show kicks ass! Can't wait for season 2, since the show's renewal is now officially, uh, official.

6) R.I.P. Joey. Tribbiani, not Buttafuoco.

7) R.I.P. Reba. Or not. I'm guessing somebody out there must have pictures of CBS honcho Les Moonves fit for blackmailing.

8) The season finale of 24 fast approacheth. In other news, the FOX network has placed an order for 100 virtual body bags.

9) The season finale of Lost also fast approacheth. In other news, ABC has called FOX to see if they'll lend them some of those virtual body bags.

10) DVD releases for the first seasons of Invasion and Commander-in-Chief have been announced. Each will come with a sticker that says "and only," to be placed immediately after the word "first."

11) So there it is on CNN and ET and E! and all the other alphabets -- Paul McCartney and Heather Mills are heading down the long and winding road to splitsville. I don't know which of the two wanted out of the marriage first, but if it was Mills it's a good thing she did this while Ringo Starr is still alive, lest she become known as the woman who broke up the Beatle.

12) Speaking of Invasion -- what a let down. Not that it got cancelled, but because it started so good and then the story moved so damn slow. I haven't experienced anything that sluggish since I digested my last buffet.

13) Ghost Whisperer is one of those shows that can only qualify as schmaltzy guilty pleasure material. It's daft and simplistic, but fun to watch if you can find a place to stow your intellect for an hour. That said, the two-part season finale was terrific (especially the first part). Now if I can only figure out what the producers are going to do with Aisha Tyler's character. Hmmm...

14) A question: why are infomercials always hosted by people who have absolutely no frickin' clue about the products they're supposedly pushing?

15) My DVD collection won't be complete until somebody releases the classic British sitcom Doctor in the House (AKA Doctor in Charge, Doctor at Sea, etc). Can't even find any decent bootlegs, doggamit.

16) Comment space available for rent. Any offer, reasonable or otherwise, accepted.

Stay tuned...

RANDOM QUOTE

2006-05-15T17:19:00.000-04:00

"Unless we each conform, unless we obey orders, unless we follow our leaders blindly, there is no possible way we can remain free."

-- Frank Burns

Stay tuned...

THEY SAID THAT, PART XII

2006-05-11T16:47:00.000-04:00

Here are the answers to last week's movie quote quiz, most of which have already been answered by people way smarter than me. Or I. Damn, I can never get those two straight:

1) "Hey, is that your sister out there in left field, naked?"
THE SANDLOT (1993): Catcher Ham Porter (Patrick Renna) does his best to distract an opposing batter during a game of pick-up baseball.

2) "Look what I accomplished in a week? And I did it without computers."
OH, GOD! BOOK II (1980): The Almighty (better known to us agnostics as the late George Burns) tries to give the young and exceptionally frustrated Tracy Richards (LouAnn) a pep talk.

3) "Ted Williams would roll over in his freezer if he saw this."
FEVER PITCH (2005): Obsessed Red Sox' fan Ben Wrightman (Jimmy Fallon) and his pals show their disgust over three members of their hallowed team (Jason Varitek, Trot Nixon and Johnny Damon) happily enjoying their meal after a loss. The bastards.

4) "Man, you smell like phys-ed."
THE GOONIES (1985): Imprisoned Goonie Chunk (Jeff Cohen) gives his new friend Sloth (John Matuszak) a brief lesson in hygiene.

5) "I'm sorry I spoke so harshly about your vagina this morning."
A DIRTY SHAME (2004): Sylvia Stickles (Tracey Ullman) apologizes to her buxom-beyond-belief daughter Caprice (Selma Blair) for calling her a slut... or a Republican... or something almost as unseemly. I really don't remember.

6) "Your mother puts license plates in your underwear? How do you sit?"
REAL GENIUS (1985): The brilliantly twisted Chris Knight (Val Kilmer) stirs the words of the young but brilliant Mitch Taylor (Gabe Jarret) to comic perfection.

7) "You wanna hear something funny? Back in Memphis, my dentist's name is James Spalding."
CAST AWAY (2000): Stranded plane crash victim Chuck Noland (Tom Hanks) shares some irony with his pal, Wilson the Volleyball.

8) "Lutz and Biddle. It's like Kibbles 'N Bits, but different."
BEVERLY HILLS COP II (1987): Axel Foley (Eddie Murphy) makes fun of the names of the extremely annoying Chief of the Los Angeles police department and the Chief's equally annoying lackey.

9) "When you tell somebody somethin', it depends on what part of the United States you're standin' in as to just how dumb you are."
SMOKEY & THE BANDIT (1977): Bo 'Bandit' Darville (Burt Reynolds) explains the correlation between intelligence and geography to runaway bride Carrie (Sally Field).

10) "Broke into the wrong g*ddamn rec room, didn't ya, you bastard!"
TREMORS (1990): NRA worshipper Burt Gummer (Michael Gross), with loyal and loving and packing wife Heather (Reba McEntire) at his side, taunts the biggest g*ddamn dead worm a redneck's ever laid eyes on.

We'll do this again in a few weeks.

Stay tuned...

CH-CH-CHANGES...

2006-05-09T15:57:00.000-04:00

There is no DVD update today.

In fact, I'm rethinking my whole obsession with the DVD thing. The weekly updates are going to be discontinued. The same applies to the separate DVD site. Work pressures and other things are making it difficult to keep up. But I'll still be writing about the odd release, as well as keeping up on things TV, film and the occasional miscellaneous.

I'm scaling back, but I'm not going away.

As for those tricky movie quotes, the answers will be posted on Thursday. Meanwhile, here are some hints:

1) Big dog's got balls

2) Say goodnight, Gracie

3) The curse is lifted

5) Waters under the bridge

8) Dirty Rosewood

9) Eastbound and down

10) The really big early worm gets the bird

Stay tuned...

WHO SAID THAT? PART XII

2006-05-05T13:33:00.000-04:00

Here are the previously promised quotes a la filme. A couple are pretty easy, but most of them are designed to drive people completely insane with frustration. Although the most I'll probably get is a shrug.

Here they are:

1) "Hey, is that your sister out there in left field, naked?"

2) "Look what I accomplished in a week? And I did it without computers."

3) "Ted Williams would roll over in his freezer if he saw this."

4) "Man, you smell like phys-ed."

5) "I'm sorry I spoke so harshly about your vagina this morning."

6) "Your mother puts license plates in your underwear? How do you sit?"

7) "You wanna hear something funny? Back in Memphis, my dentist's name is James Spalding."

8) "Lutz and Biddle. It's like Kibbles 'N Bits, but different."

9) "When you tell somebody somethin', it depends on what part of the United States you're standin' in as to just how dumb you are."

10) "Broke into the wrong g*ddamn rec room, didn't ya, you bastard!"

Rules revisited: Name the film and, if possible, the speaker of the quote.

Stay tuned...

DVD TUESDAY

2006-05-02T17:06:00.000-04:00

I never really got into the films of Tennessee Williams (I've only seen one in full, and that was over twenty years ago). Well, actually the films based on Tennessee Williams' plays.

But there's no denying their impact on the world of pop culture.

Despite being hated by Williams, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof (1958) was a smash success that won two Academy Awards (but not for stars Paul Newman and Elizabeth Taylor). And A Streetcar Named Desire (1951) is famous for a lot of things, but most notably Marlon Brando's wailing of "STELLA!," topped only (in my opinion) by William Shatner's wailing of "KHAN!" in Star Trek II in 1982.

Now these two famous Williams adaptations are part of a deluxe box set that also includes Sweet Bird of Youth (1962), The Night of the Iguana (1964), Baby Doll (1956), The Roman Spring of Mrs. Stone (1961), all of which are available in separate releases.

ALSO OUT TODAY:

DELICATESSEN
Critics loved this strange film from France (co-directed by Jean-Pierre Jeunet, better know on this side of the pond as the guy who screwed up Alien: Resurrection). The plot (from IMDB.com): "Post-apocalyptic surrealist black comedy about the landlord of an apartment building who creates cannibalistic meals for his odd tenants." If that's not a recipe for heartburn, I don't know what is.

DINOSAURS - Seasons 1 & 2
Back in the early nineties, ABC decided to jump on the bandwagon built by those yellow folks from Springfield, XX by starting up this show, which wasn't animated but was more of an animatronic thang -- kind of a Muppets meets the Flintstones. Alas, clever writing couldn't save it. It did, however, manage to get through two more seasons before its extinction. (Four discs, 29 episodes)

I LOVE LUCY - Season 6
Everybody's favourite redhead continues her pop culture resurgence from beyond the grave with this sixth and final season release of the legendary show. (Four discs, 27 episodes)

KING OF THE HILL - Season 6
This show was all but dead. Everyone was let go, there was no future. Then a little while ago, FOX said "hey, you're coming back next fall. Don't go anywhere." Which has very little to do with this sixth season release, but it's a cute story anyway. (Three discs, 21 episodes)

LEAVE IT TO BEAVER - Season 2
Gee Wally, I don't know. Another season set DVD release? What will Lumpy think? (Three discs, 39 episodes)

THE NANNY - Season 2
There is nothing more annoying than the sound of fingernails on a blackboard. Except for the sound of Fran Drescher laughing, that is. Still, with the sound turned down she's almost tolerable. (Three discs, 26 episodes)

RED DWARF - Series 8
Or, as it says on the DVD box, series VIII. There's nothing like those British when they get all spacey. 'Cause, like, they start using Roman numerals and stuff. Can you tell I've never watched this show, despite many an opportunity and the words of several people/nerds I know that say it's one of the funniest things ever to come out of the United Kingdom? Seriously. Supposedly it ranks right between The Two Ronnies and Prince Charles' ears on the hierarchy of British humour. (Three discs, 8 episodes)

Stay tuned...

SUNDAY, MONDAY... WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

2006-05-01T18:13:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I lied.

Yes, I said I'd be back on Sunday. But, gosh darn it, things just didn't quite work out that way.

Besides, if I actually came back on Crapola day, I'd have to write something like "Mexico has announced its plans to legalize possession of limited amounts of cocaine, marijuana and heroine. In other news, Whitney Houston has announced plans to record her next album in Tijuana, with the first single to be a schmaltzy love ballad version of Weezer's "Hash Pipe."

But I just didn't feel like doing that yesterday. I mean, it was so gorgeous outside that it seemed almost sacriligious to be not so nice on such a nice day. And since I sometimes find it difficult to be nice, I did the next best thing.

I abstained.

I don't plan on making a habit of it, however. Later this week I'm bringing back some (hopefully challenging) movie quotes. Plus, it's May, which is the big month in the world of television where struggling shows come off life support and head for recovery -- except for the ones that get stashed in a pine box.

So, assuming you're still visiting with any regularity, I ask you to stick around and make yourself comfortable. Or uncomfortable if you prefer that sort of thing.

Stay tuned...

DVD TUESDAY

2006-04-25T16:09:00.000-04:00

Oh, how do I describe this one?

Well, it's based on a cartoon that aired on MTV in the nineties, sort of a Lara Croft meets Barbarella, but for the younger crowd. As for the film, well, after seeing Charlize Theron decked out in a cat suit, I'm just lost for words.

Thankfully, I'm not the only voice.

Says Zap2it's Norman Wilner (because I couldn't say it better myself): "It's silly, it's pointless, and director Karyn Kusama clearly has no idea what she's doing... but if you're looking for a mindless action movie set in a dystopic future society where hot women with killer hair perform elaborate acrobatic routines in clingy leotards while blowing crap up left and right ... well, this one has Oscar cred!"

Um, wow. Is it just me, or is it getting hot in here?

ALSO OUT TODAY:

AMERICAN DAD - Volume 1
Seth MacFarlane's OTHER animated show gets its first DVD release. Network upfronts are in a few weeks -- when we find out what shows are coming back and what shows are being fitted for tombstones. This one will likely be coming back. (Three discs, 13 episodes)

DOCTOR DOLITTLE 3
The popularity of the first two modern Doctor Dolittles should have taught the producers of the third that if there's no Eddie Murphy, there's no movie. But they went ahead and made it anyway, in the form of a cheap direct to DVD special with Dolittle daughter Maya (Kyla Pratt) filling in for her father, who's apparently too busy making an animated ass out of himself. For those starting from scratch, a box set of all three films is also available.

GUYS AND DOLLS (Deluxe Edition)
Brando AND Sinatra? In the same film? Wow! Movies like this are why widescreen was invented. Not because it's such a visual spectacle, but because you need the extra space just to fit the egos in. In any case, Joseph Mankiewicz' classic musical gets a DVD upgrade over the release from 2003.

LAW & ORDER: TRIAL BY JURY - Complete Series
Dick Wolf has obviously lost his touch. Law & Order: Trial By Jury became the first Law & Order: Cancelled By Network. As bad as that was for Mr. Wolf, the others may not be far behind, including the once untouchable original. (Three discs, 14 episodes)

ODYSSEY 5 - Complete Series
This is another one of those "goofy" sci-fi shows that probably deserved a better fate. "Complete Series" sounds so cool, except that all it usually means is that the nobody watched the damn thing. (Five discs, 19 episodes)

REBA - Season 3
One of the smartest sitcoms still on the tube, this one's a cinch to be back on The WB next season. Whoops, did I say WB? I meant CW. Don't worry, I'll be OK. (Three discs, 22 episodes)

SHOPGIRL
There was some eary Oscar buzz for both Steve Martin and Claire Danes for their performances in this film, which was based on a book that Martin wrote. The buzz fizzled though, probably because Academy voters were repulsed by the idea of the somewhat homely Martin getting it on with the much younger (and slightly less homely) Danes.

TOMMY LEE GOES TO COLLEGE
Here we go again with more reality schlock. As soon as the former Mr. Pamela Anderson graduates, I sincerely hope he goes to see his doctor. After dipping his stick in the soft spot of many a groupie -- not to mention his well-travelled ex -- I'll bet there's plenty below his belt line to keep his medicine man busy for quite awhile. Hopefully long enough to prevent Tommy from taking part in a sequel. (One disc, six episodes)

THE WALTONS - Season 3
This show was quite popular in the seventies, although I had difficulty watching anything where the characters had names like John Boy and Jim-Bob. I guess I just prefer that my hillbillies be from Beverly Hills. (Five discs, 25 episodes)

THE WEDDING SINGER (Totally Awesome Edition)
A new improved DVD edition of the Adam Sandler favourite that also starred Drew Barrymore and the overly punkified remains of an awkwardly aging Billy Idol. I kid you not.

Stay tuned...