FOOT, MEET BRAIN -- BRAIN, THIS IS FOOT

Halloween is scary.

Sure, there are the usual collection of ghosts, goblins, witches, Harry Potters, Stormtroopers, Screams and whatever the hell those weres.

But the real scare of Halloween is behind the wheel of a car. It's the dumbass with the lead foot who's oblivious to the fact that there are little kids all over the place dashing across streets just waiting to become paste on the asphalt.

Should the kids be more careful? Damn straight they should.

But they're kids, whose sense of vulnerability hasn't yet developed.

The speed freak asswipe behind the wheel, on the other hand, should know better.

You want to be a dangerous driver -- fine. Just do it away from the general population, and for goodness sake, avoid residential streets every October 31st.

Do everyone a favour -- take your $5000 dollar rims and your overstrained subwoofer and go find a nice telephone pole in an industrial are to wrap yourself around.

Stay tuned...

BRAS, PANTIES, GARTERS AND BRAIN CELLS

I'm suddenly reminded of an old Sesame Street bit -- one of these things is not like the others...

Ahem.

The Lingerie Football League might be the dumbest thing ever created. In an era of pre-fab autotuned "music," YouTube idiots (oh look -- another skateboard FAIL), sayings like "FAIL" and all things Kardashian, that's saying a lot.

But it's certainly not because of the girls.

While I think the ladies are underpaid (as in, not paid at all) and exploited by the league (lingerie as a uniform -- seriously?), I can't fault them for trying to raise their profiles. It's a dog eat dog world, after all.

It's just the concept.

I'm all for women's professional sports. I would like nothing more than to see leagues like the Women's National Basketball Association and Women's Professional Soccer drawing huge crowds. These gals have serious game.

That said, I would like the Lingerie Football League to die a miserable death.

In its place I would love to see a league where the women play a brand of football that is about the game and the players. There's nothing wrong with sex appeal (raise your hands, ladies, if you watch the National Football League for the derrieres), but it shouldn't be any sort of focus.

And I know that women's leagues are challenged because of attendance issues. It's a reality that sucks.

But I would rather see no women's football at all than to see these poor gals bashing each other silly in the name of sex while some fat cat dude rolls in the dough at their expense.

The whole thing is just a sad waste of one's brain cells.

Stay tuned...

COMINGS AND GOINGS

Yeah, yeah... The guy disappears for over a year, says he's coming back and then disappears for a coupla more months.

Such is life.

The truth of it all is I work nights. When I came back to this thing I was in the middle of a summertime day shift that I was hoping would be permanent. Unfortunately, 'twas not the case. I should have called it 'death' or 'taxes.'

Still, there's life in this thing yet. There's still much wrong with the world, and bitching about it here keeps me from chewing off the ears of those that don't want to listen to me let rip (see Rantking comma Mrs.).

But today I shan't complain, cuz the King of Kings is a goner. I don't usually celebrate over bloodied corpses but I'm going to make an exception for the Gha-Daffy one.

The man, like many a dick tater before him, hoarded his country's assests at the expense of the well-being of his own people. So when they dragged his cowardly ass (out of a drainage pipe, of all things) on Thursday and injected hot lead into his misaligned brain cells, I was quite happy.

Happy for the people of Libya who have suffered so.

Happy for the relatives of Pan Am 103.

Happy for the human race, in general.

So on that note, let me say that I'm not going anywhere, other than my other pop culture related thing that's currently under construction (more later). But I'm sure glad Ghadafi is going, and where he's going he better bring himself some A/C -- it gets mighty warm down there.

Stay tuned...

I HOPE SHE'S NOT DRIVING HOME

I've seen lots of wacky stuff while doing my weekly grocery shop -- some of it even legal.

This week's head scratcher involved a couple of old folks having a spat in one of the aisles, cart parked smack dab in the middle so everyone nearby had little choice but to become spectators.

What were they arguing about?

It turns out they had a difference of opinion over what kind of Oreo cookie they were going to buy. This went on for about half a minute before the old lady caved, telling her Joe to buy "whatever the hell you want."

I wanted to interrupt them to let them know that debating Oreo cookies is something that falls squarely under the "life's too short" column, especially when the sand in the hourglass is rounding down to its last crystals.

But what really made this little story interesting was when they finally picked a cookie, the old gal took the cart from her man and walked away on him.

Uh, she was wearing dark glasses.

And carrying a cane.

Stay tuned...

MORE DOLLARS MAKES LESS SENSE

I like to shop. I mean, who doesn't?

Living fully submerged in North American culture leaves one open to all kinds of influences. Some are good, some are bad and some are both.

The spending of one's hard earned currency falls squarely in the middle of door number three.

Shopping is good because it would impress the late George Carlin. We all need more stuff. And when we're done buying stuff, we buy more stuff to house our stuff. Sometimes we buy new houses because we have too much stuff.

Shopping is bad because when we no longer have any money to buy more stuff we sign up for credit cards so that we can buy more stuff with other people's money.

It's an interesting phenomenon if for no other reason that the interest is a killer.

But all of that is just the way things work and, other than abstaining from spending, there is no real way to change the system. It is what it is, the only thing changing is the interest rate.

But the real crux of this piece is the current math pervading the marketing habits of stores. They love to put stuff on sale and then they try to hook us by telling us that the more we spend, the more we save.

Except that it doesn't really work out that way in the end. When you drop a hammer, it won't go up. As hard as I try I haven't been able to divide by zero. And last I checked, emptying my bank account has yet to leave me with more money.

What the stores should be saying is "the more you spend, the more we've got." And the less you have.

Unfortunately there's just no interest in honesty.

Stay tuned...